illuminati

Moving Away From Here

2005-02-07T14:05:00.000+07:00

Ohhhhhhhhhh gosh. *exhale*

It's been quite a long ass time since I dropped by here. Actually I'm not really in a condition to post anything since today I have..errr.. 2 deadlines to meet--but as usual, my ritual for such deadline is to evade from it for as long as I could [by that, means doing other stuffs, like escaping myself to this blog and write nonsense] until I finally glance at the clock and scream 'SHIIETT', then work like hell until late.

well, im an evening person. works better at night.

also because there's an adrenaline rush upon completing some pretty challenging task within a short period of time. i love it. keeps me creative.

oh bollocks, of course it's all just MY excuse(s) for being so unprofessional.

anyways, id like to dedicate this post for my 'frequent visitors' [should there be any..hehe], who come by here to check whether this lazyass chick has updated her blog or not...^-^

thank you for dropping by my shoutbox and left ur footprints. I really do appreciate it, and with this post, I'd like to inform you my upcoming plan regarding blogging thingy.

I'm thinking of making a new address, be completely anonymous. I'd probably alert some of you since I might need to be linkaged to you guys as well, but I havent really thought of it yet.Maybe I'd still have links in mine or maybe I won't be that much of a 'social blogger' nomore. I mean, it doesnt mean Im becoming an anti social now or whatsoever, its just I really think I need a place to really escape myself from the world.

Some peeps I know in real life already know this blog, and that fact kinda block my writing juices, well, because it's kinda *in a way* refrained me in writing things that's happening to me in a world. Ima be afraid if I'd offend anyone [eventhough I have never mentioned any names in here]--or implicitly saying emotional stuffs that might have been interpreted in a wrong way.

And the result, well, I feel limited. And I hate that, cos my writing ability is beginning to deteriorate. I wanna be able express my opinions, my feelings and everything freely, but then, since I have to think of other perspectives etcetera, i would then begin to filter my thoughts, and it hurts..when in this supposedly 'free medium', u'd still have to filter ur thoughts.

so,this is not a last post, yet..since i still need more time to change blog addy, constructing a new one with a help of my faithful webmaster *winks at someone*

but its an alert, and i dont know, should you guys have creative ideas for my upcoming blog's name...please do come by to my shoutbox and pitch the idea? hehehe.

Alright, its 4.33 PM, its time for me to get hysterical and finally start doing a comprehensive communications proposal (a fuckin big monster document which I dont know when will I able to finish! and my TA is awayyy! arrgh) for this british water company.

adios. and once again...for you guys who are still willing to stop by here...thank you thank you thank you. =)

A letter to a friend

2005-01-25T08:30:00.000+07:00

Princess my friend, how have you been?

How is it going with the kingdom of familyhood? is it getting any better? anything new or special that i should know?

observing you--from the distance, makes me wonder. do u think i should envy you instead for the stable life you finally achieved and I so long to have? but anyways.thats not the point of this letter.

It's been quite a long time since we met, isnt it girlfriend?
It's been quite a journey of the 'flip flop duo' who shared the most suffocating experiences in life, shared the same stupidity, foolishness, tears and laughs and glory! [oh we're one of those straight As chicks weren't we? hehe].

girl, ive known you for 10 years now. a decade, eh?. some journey. i know i can just call you and start with 'girl, you know what...' and ull be listening and chuckles, and symphatize, and give me some encouraging lil comments and then yawn [aha! i knew it you sometimes yawned, fuck! hehe] but this time im lost for words. because i dont know what exactly that i feel. dont know exactly what the fuck it is that puzzled me. works related? oh yeah of course. dont let me even start. but then, theres also something serious behind all of that. myself. yes.im fucking doubting myself.

u told me im a good person. a lot of people also been telling me that.
now i wonder, what exactly a good person is?
am i really a good person?
or im just a fucking hypocritical bitch who's been trying to do the right things and keep on plunging myself into some deep shit i have no control of.
what am i gonna be?
am i going to be a dashing successful person with a fly career, have a great family, live an exciting life the world has to offer?
or am i just going to live a boring life: 'standard' job [average, just to make end meets-->is there sucha term? fuck, me dont care] and dull family-life.
or am i going to be a loony old maiden--trapped in this hullaballoo of confusions, fears, doubts, insecurities...never ending self denial, fuck sake, i dont want to be one!

okay, im blabbering. and i bet you're totally lost and think im losing my mind, and that the only thing that keeps me away from throwing myself out of some skyscrapper's window is that i am afraid of what's gonna welcome me in the other life.

im thankful for still being a God-fearing person. Eventhough sometimes the devil in me wants to grab that fucking handgun and shove it to my mouth. blow. burn this useless fellow down the ground.

zero.

i know you wont understand. i dont either.

but thank you. for listening to me all this time.

thank you.

here's something from nirvana, eventhough i know you resent Kurt Cobain.

i love you for what i am not
i do not want what i have got

what is wrong with me
what is what i need
what do i think i think

[radio friendly unit shifter].

Cut Here

2005-01-24T14:55:00.000+07:00

I wish I could have Robert Smith's brain specifically in lyrics making.
Dang, he's good. I happened to reminisce the rockin good old days last nite by playing The Cure's in my room, and remember back in 1996 [the year when I was really into The Cure] I was so amazed of his capability in 'story telling'.
so last nite, i was reminded of his talent again, and now i feel like sharing one of his writings.

Cut Here
The Cure

so we meet again!" and i offer my hand all dry and english slow
and you look at me and i understand yeah it's a look i used to know
"three long years... and your favourite man... is that any way to say hello?"
and you hold me... like you'll never let me go "
oh c'mon and have a drink with me sit down and talk awhile... "
"oh i wish i could... and i will! but now i just don't have the time... " and over my shoulder as i walk away i see you give that look goodbye... i still see that look in your eye...

so dizzy mr busy - too much rush to talk to billy all the silly frilly things have to first get done in a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time - make it june until later... doesn't always come it's

so hard to think "it ends sometime and this could be the last i should really hear you sing again and i should really watch you dance" because it's hard to think "i'll never get another chance to hold you... to hold you... "

but chilly mr dilly - too much rush to talk to billy all the tizzy fizzy idiot things must get done in a second - just hang on - all in good time - won't be long until later... i should've stopped to think - i should've made the time i could've had that drink - i could've talked awhile i would've done it right - i would've moved us on but i didn''t -

now it's all too late it's over... over... and you're gone... i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you so much

but how many times can i walk away and wish "if only... "
how many times can i talk this way and wish "if only... "keep on making the same mistake keep on aching the same heartbreak i wish "if only... "
but "if only... "is a wish too late...

The twilight zone

2005-01-20T14:40:00.000+07:00

It's horrendous. being in twilight zone again.
here's the skit of my conversation with office driver when i went to lunch meeting with colleague.

driver: mbak, kemaren lebih gila lagi macetnya, banjir..
me: oh yeah? disini juga macet ya pak
driver: ya, tapi gak segila kemaren
me: oh gitu
driver: untung kemaren gak meeting ya mbak, si [insert name here] aja naek ojek kemaren
me: *while staring outside the window* oya? emang macet banget ya?
driver:$#@!%?!

see how fucking fucked up i am today? i cant fucking concentrate. went to lokananta with friend, talked bout lotsa things, but i kept being haunted by my fear of stuffs. i seriously dont want to be in some kind of twilight zone again, no,no..but its just..i dont know, its strange. very strange.

maybe this is my cue. to move to another place, to find a peace of mind once and for all.

i sometimes think is it because my experiences in Aceh that got me like this?i dont feel like working, its like i left some of my works there and i feel like i have to still doing it, while i know my back up team is already there to do the works. its just strange, i dont think things in here is that matter nomore, seeing how things are in Aceh, and how messy it is and how i should really go back there and really do something about it.

also, because there are other things. which complicated the other things. me and my stupid moves which lead to total chaos. i hope i wont get burned this time.

ever feel like you're in that point, where you dont know how to deal with yourself sometimes? when you dont know whether you have to trust yourself or not? that you're doubting your guts and sometimes you just feel like you want to mutilate yourself to pieces for every wrong decisions that you taken? fuck.

anyways, im completely blank after Aceh. there are things that i should do [personal life], but i havent made any of those happened. its just im in this pause mode, and everything is in slow motion.

D....bury the hatchet. just go run and bury the hatchet.

To Be or Not To Be

2005-01-20T08:13:00.000+07:00

This is something I gotta say to myself over and over and over again.

Just to keep my head above the water, just so I can still be alive and never have to be entangled with the hullaballoo of things so mischievous.

To be or not to be.
To be or not to be.
To be or not to be.
To be or not to be.
To be or not to be.
To be or not to be.

D, dont fuck things up again.

The circle

2005-01-19T11:40:00.000+07:00

You've got played.

By the words. the wisdom you thought you knew. the whirlwind of thoughts transcended by the thick of the air.you thought you knew, but you didnt. and the words keep on flowing and flowing and you're mesmerized by it. you want to turn back time and be smart, but you cant. you know the time has flied, and its too late, still youre letting yourself into that circle.

and now youre asking yourself, whether you're crazy.
or stupid.
or careless.
or what have yous..

to still be in the circle.

when the circle is not yours to keep.

and now you wish you're not an admirer of anything so sophisticated.and now you wish you didnt have this dream to have a beautiful mind, or obsessed by it.

im back to reality.

shattered.and wonder why.

Low

2005-01-13T21:35:00.000+07:00

Have you ever felt so low? so low like you're starting to second guess yourself?
so low, what you thought you knew about urself so much but turned out its not true?
you're starting to lose confidence and sinking, sinking...

Im frustrated.completely ashamed of myself.im not ready for this.
im not ready to admit that i am stupid.so freaking stupid and idiot.

i shouldnt have thought of myself like i used to think of myself before.
no i dont have a brain. im stupid.

im moron. what was i thinking? what was i thinking? what the fuck was i thinking?

fuuckkkkk.

Going To Aceh

2005-01-09T11:24:00.000+07:00

It's amazing how 'becareful of what you wish for you might get it..' say can be so true.
I finally got my 'wish' to go to Aceh--but unfortunately its not exactly like what I expected it to be.
I thought it's going to be a 'prepared one' with 'proper brief' but nooo..the conversation between me and my bule boss on saturday night was practically just like below:

boss : (on text)hiii..call me? i need you to go to aceh on monday morning
me:??? (kept on sleeping)

his secretary called to my house. trapped. OK, now i really gotta call him

me: Boss!
boss: *laughs* hey, your dreams comes true! going to Aceh, D!
me :what am I gonna do there?
boss: seriously, i dont know! *chuckles*
me: ok, seriously.
boss: well, ok, setting up a media centre, like u used to do.details, well, can you contact our team there? but i cant seem to get a hold on them. [then he's busy telling me to bring this and that, while the plan regarding 'what to do' in Aceh is still bleak]
me:?!@#$@%

around midnite, his secretary brought tickets and cash to my house. i really dont have a bargaining position here now, do I?

then to make things worst, my team (who would fly with me monday morning) hasnt got any experience handling media centre before.and the experienced team who are still in Aceh while Im typing this, will be back to Jakarta tomorrow. Ill be left alone with rookies.

i so wish i didnt have a blabber mouth.

anyways, wish me luck. and hopefully my body's still in tact when i get here probably before 17--if Jakarta needs me more. otherwise ill be stuck there till 17.

btw, sorry about the shoutbox. elzan seems to die on me, AGAIN!.*sighs*

adios my blog. see you in a week.

2005

2005-01-03T14:47:00.000+07:00

First day at the office, first post in year 2005. The renovation's done, we got ourselves some colorful walls--that makes this suppose-to-look-exclusive-conservative office looks more like an advertising agency [not that there's anything wrong with that, its just it doesnt suit this company's corebusiness].

I just got back from an internal meeting, we're planning on setting up information/media centre in Aceh, Medan and Jakarta. Hm, when there's a question 'aite, who wants to go to Aceh?' apparently, only me and 2 other men from 5 persons needed, raised hands. hm. alrite.

anyways, its still undecided, so. we'll see.

this week, for personal purposes, i still got several things to be done.
aduuuh engga abis-abis deh kayaknya...capek banget pulang kantor musti mikirin printilan ini itu, the never ending persiapan...maan..im so exhausted. pengen cepet-cepet selese aja persiapan-persiapan ini, cepet-cepet hari Hnya, biar kelaar. *puyeng*

Alright, now, I really-really got to unpack my stuffs and re-arrange my desk.

Still In Grieve

2004-12-31T20:55:00.000+07:00

Following my previous depressing post, Id like to express my deepest sympathy and condolences to my bfs friend and his other friends family who have been perished in Aceh. Innalilahi wa inna ilaihi rojiuuun.

The good news: A colleague went to Phuket for a holiday, and we didnt get any news from her after the tsunami hit Phuket, and we were all anxious to know how shes doing. Luckily she has been evacuated to a safer place, as told by her cousin.[Geez, M! get your ass back here and edit our works.U almost got me worriedsick!]

I happen to know by heart some bank account numbers should you want to donate for Aceh and North Sumatera victims:

METRO TV
BCA: 309-3007979

RCTI PEDULI
BCA:128-300-7000

Let's share.

On The Edge Of The Mourning Year

2004-12-31T17:10:00.000+07:00

Here I am, at home, on December 31 evening. The hours ticking towards the end of 2004.
And I dont even feel the slight of excitement for the upcoming 2005. Well, I never really celebrated new years anyways, eventhough there were some years when I was fortunate enough to spend it in beautiful places abroad, and I felt excited about it, but as I grown older, new year is just another day to me, the only difference is the number and of course it only means ur lifes getting shorter.

This year, there were just too many deaths and tragedies.
Some well known people have died: Sukma Ayu, Harry Roesli, Munir, Christopher Reeves and Fernando Poe Junior (FPJ), and even though I dont know each of them personally, I mourned for them.

Ive had my own miseries as well, my dad had stroke which changed our lives, also the colleague whom I spent some time with during cigs breaks has died because of cancer [no not lung cancer, surprisingly. it was leukemia]

Id torned apart seeing the victims of the bombing in Australian Embassy-Rasuna last September, I was desperate and never thought there would be anything that can move me as much until I caught the December 26 news.

I was devastated, stunned and broken hearted watching the news and footages of Aceh.

Poor Aceh, I was speechless realizing the numbers of victims have been increasing drastically each day. On Monday, it was 'only' 4000 something victims, and this afternoon I checked, in Nangroe Aceh Darussalam, the total victims already reached 80,000.

The quake and tsunamis have drowned them, taken their lives and washed away their belongings. Flattened their premises.Its all gone.

I feel hopeless and sad and angry and scared and depressed..wishing I didnt have this 9 to 5 routine so I could hop on the plane and fly to Aceh. For real, if only I didnt have any responsibility now, I will, oh I so desperately will. Especially since I feel utterly disgust of how sucky the coordination system in Aceh, its like the government or any of the 'suppose-to-know-what-to-do' people have no sense of fucking crisis at all. Its been a week, and people are still suffering in Aceh since tons of donations and aids are still stuck in the airport because they dont have a clue on how to distribute it to the needy...for crying out loud, yes the infrastructure has been fucking diminished, yes theres no fucking transportation, but shouldnt you have thought of a plan to anticipate those possibilities before you brought them all to Aceh?

Shouldnt you have thought of some kind of concept or strategy on how to reach and save those people who have been hungry, injured and psychologically challenged?

Have you thought of the distribution system?

Have you thought of ways to recover Aceh?

Have you thought of some effective ways to bury the bodies?

Have you thought of the after shock treatment for those survivors who must have been having nightmares every night now?

Gosh, yes I know its not easy, but if only I could help. So after receiving a happy new year text message from my boss, I texted him back and told him if my company is planning to set up a crisis centre in Aceh, I beg him to count me in. FYI, my company has set up media centres for Bali bombing, Marriot bombing, Australian Embassy bombing and at the Constitutional Court (to handle media queries regarding general elections disputes)..so figure maybe this time were planning on setting up a crisis centre in Aceh as well.

But well, dunno if hes up to it now, since he did those media centres in exchange for quite good amount of greens, back then, I dont think his intention was fully because of 'humankind' kinda thing, well...lets face it, this bule boss is a business oriented freak. you know, the type of 'whats in it for me?' kinda person.So.

Anyways back to Aceh, there was this footage played over and over on Metro TV of how the tsunamis hit Banda Aceh, taken from an amateurs [a survivor] handy cam. Its like something I never seen before. And hearing them all apologizing each other since they thought theyd die any second, its so painfully heart-breaking.

Has it ever crossed your mind, that when you open your door or window oneday, youd face the 3 to 5 meter waves coming strongly at you?

The waves so high, its as 'tall' as the coconut tree, they say. I dont think I could ever imagine it. I thought itd only happen in Hollywood movies. Have you ever seen 'Deep Impact' or the current 'The Day After Tomorrow'? Its like that. Only this one is real.

But why Aceh? Why? At first, I was so frustrated of the fact that God had appeared so cruel to them who seemed to have worshipped Him the most than the rest of us. But when I read Emha Ainun Najibs article, I realized thats just show how much He loves and 'saved' them in a way humans can not understand.

Here are some quotes from that article, that touched my heart the most. I wont translate it to English, cos itd ruin its beautiful meanings. [you know how it is, some things are not 'translate-able']

Jadi, kenapa Aceh, bukan aku & Jakarta?
Karena kalian berjodoh dengan kebusukan dunia, sedang rakyat Aceh dinikahkan dengan surga.
Orang Aceh-lah yang selama bertahun-tahun terakhir amat dan paling mderita dibanding kita senegara, knapa msh ditenggelamkan ke kubangan kesengsaraan sedalam itu?
Penderitaan adalah setoran termahal dr manusia kpd Tuhannya shingga derajat orang Aceh dtinggikan, sementara kalian ditinggalkan utk terus menjalani kerendahan.
Kalau itu hukuman, apa salah mereka? Kalau itu peringatan, kenapa tidak kepada gerombolan maling dan koruptor di Jakarta? Kalau itu ujian, apa Tuhan masih kurang kenyang melihat kebingungan dan ketakutan rakyat Aceh selama ini, di tengah perang politik dan militer tak berkesudahan?Kamu mempersoalkan Tuhan? Mempertanyakan tindakan Tuhan? Mempersalahkan ketidakadilan Tuhan?katanya. Aku menjawab tegas, Ya. Kalau Tuhan diam saja bagaimana?Akan terus kupertanyakan. Dan aku tahu seluruh bangsa Indonesia akan terus mempertanyakan. Sampai kapan?Sampai kapan pun! Sampai mati?Ya!Kapan kamu mati?Gila! Kamu yang gila. Kurang waras akalmu.
Lebih baik kamu mempertanyakan kenapa ilmumu sampai tidak mengetahui akan ada gempa di Aceh. Kamu bahkan tidak tahu apa yang akan kamu katakan sendiri lima menit mendatang. Kamu juga tidak tahu berapa jumlah buluketiakmu. Kamu pengecut. Untuk apa mempertanyakan tindakan Tuhan. Kenapa kamu tidak melawanNya. Kenapa kamu memberontak secara tegas kepada Tuhan. Kami menyingkir dari bumiNya, pindah dari alam semestaNya, kemudian kamu tabuh genderang perang menantangNya! ---Kamu tahu Muhammad?, Iameneruskan, Tahu? Muhammad Rasulullah shallallahualaihi wa alihi wasallah, tahu? Ia manusia mutiara yang memilih hidup sebagai orang jelata. Tidak pernah makan kenyang lebih dari tiga hari, karena sesudah hari kedua ia tak punya makanan lagi. Ia menjahit bajunya sendiri dan menambal sandalnya sendiri. Panjang rumahnya 4,80 cm, lebar 4,62 cm. Ia manusia yang paling dicintai Tuhan dan paling mencintai Tuhan, tetapi oleh Tuhan orang kampung Thaif diizinkan melemparinya dengan batu yang membuat jidatnya berdarah. Ia bahkan dibiarkan oleh Tuhan sakit sangat panas badan oleh racun Zaenab wanita Yahudi. Cucunya yang pertama diizinkan Tuhan mati diracun istrinya sendiri. Dan cucunya yang kedua dibiarkan oleh Tuhan dipenggal kepalanya kemudian kepala itu diseret dengan kuda sejauh ratusan kilometer sehingga ada dua kuburannya. Muhammad dijamin surganya, tetapi ia selalu takut kepada Tuhan sehingga menangis di setiap sujudnya. Sedangkan kalian yang pekerjaannya mencuri, kelakuannya penuh kerendahan budaya, yang politik kalian busuk,perhatian kalian kepada Tuhan setengah-setengah, menginginkan nasib lebih enak dibanding Muhammad? Dan kalau kalian ditimpa bencana, Tuhan yang kalian salahkan?Kiai kata saya agak pelan, Aku ingin mempertahankan keyakinan bahwa icon utama eksistensi Tuhan adalah sifat Rahman dan Rahim!
Sangat benar demikian," jawabnya, "Apa yang membuatmu tidak yakin?"Rahman cinta meluas, Rahim cinta mendalam. Rahman cinta sosial, Rahim cinta lubuk hati.Rahman menjilat Aceh dari lautan, Rahim mengisap Aceh dari bawah bumi. Manusia yang mulia dan paling beruntung adalah yang segera dipisahkan oleh Tuhan dari dunia. Ribuan malaikat mengangkut mereka langsung ke surga dengan rumah-rumah cahaya yang telah tersedia. Kepada saudara2 mereka yg ditinggalkan, porak poranda kampung dan kota mereka adalah medan pendadaran total bagi kebesaran kepribadian manusia Aceh, krna ssudah ini Tuhan menolong mereka utk bangkit&mnmukan kmbli kependekaran mereka. Kjadian dibkn sdahsyat itu shnga mgatasi segala tema Aceh Indonesia yg menyengsarakan mereka selama ini. Rakyat Aceh dan Indonesia kini terbebas dari blok-blok psikologis yang memenjarakanmereka selama ini, krena air mata&duka mereka menyatu, sehingga akan lahir keputusan&perubahan sejarah yg melapangkan ke dua belah pihak.

Ya semoga hikmahnya besar. Semoga persoalan Aceh-Indonesia akan terbantu setelah cobaan ini usai. Semoga Indonesia tidak sekedar menangis tapi bangkit dari segala kemerosotan moral yang merendahkan martabat bangsa ini dan semoga-semoga lainnya.

Cukup banyak harapan lainnya yang saya panjatkan dalam hati yang seakan-akan telah lelah menangisi nasib negeri ini, serta menangisi ketidakmampuan saya membantu saudara-saudara saya itu secara lebih signifikan. Saya juga jijik melihat sikap 'riya' orang-orang [terutama seseorang tertentu whom I happen to know] yang memperlihatkan sikap-sikap 'show off' tentang tragedi Aceh. Mbok ya kalo mau bantu gak usah umbar sana sini dan heboh ngomong ini itu toh mbak, ya lakukan saja. Hypofuckingcrite. Anyways, ya saya juga salah ya, jangan sampe suudzon begitu, ya tapi susah ya untuk tidak gemes kalo memang terlihat sikap-sikap seperti itu. Irrifuckingtating.

Anyways, Ill upload the pics later, because Im using fucking dial up now, its so driving me friggin nuts, takes forever to downloading or uploading something.

See you in 2005. Hopefully itd be a better year.*fingerscrossed*

Night And Day

2004-12-23T20:05:00.000+07:00

Lately, I been laughing too much. I almost forgot how it feels like doing crazy things with friends: making stupid faces, mocking and teasing each other, goofing around like u're still in ur pre-teens, screaming from the top of ur lung, laughin ur ass off it could rip ur mouth off..just simply loosin up,letting ur guards down and dont give a freaking damn about things.

those days were gone after i graduated and working in an industry that requires me to wear 'serious look' almost all the time and only say things 'worth-listening'to. Here, peeps expect you to know everything, to be intelligent, creative..blah, everything but stupid.

I sometimes forgot that i can crack peeps up with my-surprisingly funny-jokes, that i can laugh without being worried that id cry afterwards. And now I know, I can be that kind of person. I was that kind of person. I think life has changed me in such way, that I sometimes dont recognize what I have, what I am and what I am able to do.

Believe me, its such joy to somewhat 're-discover'urself. its like, de ja vu. and u like the feeling.

but i dont know, tonight i feel kinda...numb. other than the "joy" i had in other area, there were stuffs that made me disappointed too.

And that make me think. i dont think i belong in that place nomore.
i dont think its a place for me, for my career. i dont think i want to go through the path that some peeps in the office have chosen to smoothen their career up. for me, its somewhat ridiculous and its just..so not me. i dont kiss ass. ha. maybe theyre not too, and maybe its not considered 'kissing ass'--but in my standard, its just too much. im not a show off kinda person, i dont like to brag, i dont like to jot down achievements and announce it to get noticed, i dont like to approach them 'highlanders' in an "irritating way" like stop by at their place 24/7, send them gifts or email them with the "most out of the box ideas (u think) u can get" just so theyd pat ur back and (hopefully) land u in a better position. i..just...dont...get...it.

Guess thats it eh? thats life.u cant expect it to be better all the freaking time, one time ure smiling and feel everything is alright--that u finally feel 'u're belong' somewhere, but in the next day u realize ure actually still in that cage, ure trapped and there're lotsa bars before u that u dont think ud be able to break and pass, and u know if u stay, ud stuck there without any possibility that ud get to where ur heart desires.

of course theres always two sides of everything. like night and day.
but the trick is how to bring stars to ur night so it wont be too dark u cant see a thing. night and day is fine as long as its balanced. when its too dark ure lost, or if it seems like ur day's too long ure starting to miss ur night cos u need to crash..then u know theres something wrong.

so i think, next year i should prepare my exit plan. very carefully, that i have to be able to land myself in some place that i wont wish to quit of in say at least 5 years. hmm, tough.

oh well.its the last day in the office anyways. and then its gonna be a loong holiday, oh me so need it. i bought four xmas gifts for some peeps at the office. the direct supervisor gets a nice clutch, my pal-the moody designer who helped me a lot with the prep of the invitation production gets luft bean bag for cellphone [so u can put it on a table safely: no scratch or even fall..okkk its a cellphone's holder hehe], the junior colleague gets a comfy & cute bolster [read: guling] case, and the other colleague in my division gets a frame. Well actually i only bought 3, the frame i found in the house its just never been used. ehe. haaa, nice.Never thought looking for and finally bought Xmas presents could be so exciting.

happy holidays everyone. eventhough ill have to work on some proposal for potential client during holidays [/sigh], at least i can do it from home.

ho.ho.ho. i love the smell of holidays. *happy face*

New Look For 2005

2004-12-20T15:43:00.000+07:00

Got back to the office this morning after bad flu, and shocked seeing the carpet was gone and my stuffs [and luckily everybody elses stuffs too--so this eliminated the possibility that i got sacked without notice] were boxed neatly beside my desk.
Turned out, the renovation of our office [which occupied two floors of this building]has finally begun, despite of the current tragedy experienced by the management.

The tragedy was that my big big boss [the new zealander] got scam by this so called interior designer who got away with 10% of the renovation deposit without doing anything to the office.yes, the bozzo just ran off with the money. he told me about the incident in his car on our way to clients meeting and i felt sorry for him eventhough i know its worth nothing for him--hey he got us the slaves doing all the gold [US Dollars to be exact] digging for his prosperity [and what do we have in return? a miserable rupiah! hehe], but still it was kinda sad knowing that we might not be able to get ourselves a brand new look in 2005 [so basically, i felt sad for a selfish reason hehe]

anyways, turned out he's still going with the plan, to give us a new working environment [heey its about time!] next year, so apparently he then contacted a different architect + interior designer, and the most exciting thing about the renovation thing is that we'll have a long holiday starting from Dec 24 to Jan 2! [otherwise we'll have to get back to work on Dec 27] --so itd make the workers have more time to renovate the building. so double yeay! for that.hehe.

oh, while i got time to blog today, hmph, i need to jot down things i done these past few weeks.

[+] went to a clients pitching with the bule bosses.quite fun, eventhough the not so fun part was that i repeatedly coughing infront of the client during the briefing--that i had to excuse myself to the rest room and almost strangled myself for being so fucking inappropriate! i mean..mannn..i had to impress the client not scared them off with my airborne bacteria! =(
[+] went to an international PR conference for two days where I got myself photographed with Indonesia's Vice President..hehe--and met some peeps from the past [fellow PRs]--even my lecturer! oh my what a small world. the speakers were good--we had range of speakers from a professor from Erasmus Huis university to Miranda Gultom and I was quite surprised knowing that the State Minister For Communications and Information wasnt bad at all, he's quite knowledgable in communications area, eventhough his background's law. The good thing coming out of this 2 day conference, was that its the first time i felt proud and excited doing what im doing now.
[+] went to watch Brownies at Citos with Droy and Ti. Until now I was wondering whether that movie was the reason I got freaking sick afterwards and had to skip Friday and spent it at home under the blankie. sucks.
[+] bought bedset [for a good price, and its AESTHATICS! isnt it cool?] and dining table at furniture expo on Sunday with the man. whew...i loveee it, eventhough i had to suffer walking from Plennary Hall to Plaza Senayan on a freaking hot daylight--since the bf thought "its near" and insisted not to take ojek since he had this bright idea that i might used some exercises! [hell???!!], and mind you, i was freaking flu for crying out loud, imagine how freaking pissed off i was: had a headache, sore muscles, coughing like a donkey and runny nose. i think he did felt guilty afterwards, cos after we finally got to his home and me walking [trembling like a granny, to be precise] and landed myself to the couch, he made me hot tea [and even willing to fill it again once its empty] . still it didnt manage to save us from some heated debates over the whole situation-thru text messaging- once I got back home. well, we're not exactly the couple of the month, apparently.
[+] oh how can i forgot? last week, the family had a meeting for my upcoming plan, and believe me id rather not having any family meeting AT ALL. first, our family is never too close with our relatives [since we had our time living far away from them], so why bother? any decision will rely on our family--were not seeking for solutions or ideas, we got them all thank you very much, we need you all to gather so itll be much more effective for us to break the news. heh. me even had to shut one of the uncles up for being so inappropriate. sick me to death.
[+] what else? oh the police held my driver's license sometime ago, i was wrong, i entered the 3 in 1 street [by accident]--and when i was trying to bribe him, i didnt bring cash. well i did, but it was only 18 thousands, not even worth to try for.[emang gue polisi apaan..kata polisinya hehe].untunglah lelaki saya cukup baik hati untuk mengusahakan SIM saya kembali. the oh so great driver me. =/

whoaa..i miss blogging. i hope before the holiday, id be able to blog everyday.

Ms Carrie Bradshaw?

2004-12-20T10:58:00.000+07:00

Hear hear! so this quiz thinks of all the SATC's characters, I'm more to Ms Carrie Bradshaw.

Hm, I like that girl. Great writings, cool outfits, cool apartment and awesome men around her.Teehee.

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.

But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?

It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.

Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

A Blessing In Disguise

2004-12-09T17:46:00.000+07:00

so this morning i got a new set of compie, fresh from the store [finally!] after almost a week wandering to other peeps desk so i can use their PC to finish my stuffs since my old PC at the office died on me, the motherboard was practically fucked up and there's nothing else the IT staff can do except to buy a new one.

moral of the story? theres always a blessing in disguise for everything [so dont get too pissy over something--even if it sucks big time!hehehe look whos talking]
but yeah, had my computer worked well, i wont get a new-fresh-fast compie like this one.

oh btw, i had a long day, a sudden request to assist my bule bosses in the morning to have a meeting with this emergency&response manager from this american oil company who only been in a country for coupla years. as we talked, turned out i know the VP of the company [from past working experience, he wasnt a VP 3 years ago,though]--so apparently that fact impressed him and everybody,including the bosses. *exhale to that!* hehehe.

one of the bules dropped me at this mall in Kuningan since I had other appointment with guys from the office, but she then tempted to tag along with me where she ended up buying gospel CD, bought me a juice [hehe], and bought these traditional, carved drawers.hehehe.was it rude that i didnt invite her to lunch with the rest of the crews? i mean, other guys didnt really fond of her that much [her being a TA, bitchy err i mean quite prudish and all], so i didnt want to make everybody felt awkward. oh hell. ill worry about that later.

anyways,mau balik ah, ngantug berats.

The Brightest Spot

2004-12-08T10:49:00.000+07:00

you know this song by Outkast, Hey Ya?--contrary to popular belief [who believe im a true rockhead who wont get excited over songs from other genre like I do when it comes to rock] i really love that song!. eventhough its kinda old now, and there was a period of time when every radio was playing it 24/7..but i dont know everytime i hear it, id always get the chill. like its really relaxing, and its kinda take me back to some phase in my life, when it was surreal, complicated but amazingly ecstatic and sexy.

this morning i got two reminders of that phase that sorta like slapped me back to that wave, against my will, it dragged me into its blackhole then dropped me stunned and blue.

first that song, coming from my colleague's winamp and then the text. it was a delayed reply actually, well my bad too, when i received the first one i wasnt able to reply fast enough due to my hectic schedule [so i kinda 'neglected' it], thus when i finally able to reply back, well, u know, i also didnt get the fast respond.[hm,what goes around comes around]

the text itself was short and polite, but it just made me realize something. maybe i can never really drift myself apart from that stage.even if its a long gone phase anyways, but still.
maybe its something that i have to learn still for the rest of my life. choices u made in life also teaches u to face and learn every consequences which may appear as the result of the said decision.

"....you used to be the brightest spot in my life, and ill always think the best of you cos of that."

....

heh, kalo nerima pesan seperti itu secara siang bolong dan tidak disangka-sangka dan tidak dinyana-nyana [is there such a word?], mendingan sedih atau senang ya?

anyhoo,sheesh, i have some movies in my head that i want to write my 2 cents to, but since i dont have the privilege to blog as much nomore, then well..maybe someday?.tsk. so little time,so much to do.

Small Things Wonder

2004-12-01T18:25:00.000+07:00

You know what they say of how small things can actually bring you joy?.
Im the kinda person whod always get confused when encountered by 'are you happy?' question, thus small things that able to stretch corners of my lips to finally perform a smile are valuable, because it prevents me from thinking that id never embrace the so called happiness.

that sounds kinda depressed,innit? well,think of the late Cobain here:

and how i can relate to almost all of his lyrics and sounds, you get the drift.
btw, to those of you who doesnt know who he is, shame on you! nah,playing.well kids, log on to google.com and check him out then.

anyhoo, as dark as it may seem,Thanks God im still able to feel.eventhough i dont know if its happy or half happy or nothing at all.its just,im not sure if i ever had bloating feeling about something, maybe i had, but if i did then it might be very rare.hence, answering that question with 'totally.im happy' seems a bit overrated.it doesnt mean i dont appreciate things, i do get excited, i do feel blessed and thankful for lotsa things, its just, whenever i encountered of that particular question, id exhale and think if i say yes--would it be an honest answer?if i say no,then how would i know that im not? i know, me and my complicated mind.

anyhoo, these are the small things that got me smiling:

[+] last sunday [before going to the wedding and got myself into a zipper incident] me and bf went to Ratu Plaza and as usual went to our fave place: a haven of pirated DVDs. i got excited because i found three light movies [romantic comedies!]: Bridget Jones Edge Of Reason starring Renee Zelwegger,Colin Firth,Hugh Grant, Shall We Dance starring Jlo and Richard Gere and last but not least, this english movie [i dont know if its light or not,but it seems entertaining] titled Seeing Other People [its not a hollywood movie so poor me i forgot the actors/treeses]-it got nominated [or won?]several awards, so i think it's worth to watch.from all three, I just managed to watch one: Bridget Jones'.hehe, i might give my 2 cents about it, if im still in a mood by then..hehe.

[+] bf picked me up from the office last night since i worked late, and i just realize that after the break up last year, were back to zero again, starting to get to know each others character back--sometimes its suffocating,frustrating and annoying but other times-theres a humor in it and it amuses me and got me realize, hey i love this guy!*grins*

bf: kok engga keluar-keluar sih?

me: *panik*aku gak bisa narik kunci ruangannya, aku kan harus ngonci^ dulu.bahaya kalo gak di konci.tunggu bentar.*tegas*

bf:eh cepetan, ini udah sampe

me: ya udah masuk aja dulu ke tempat parkir

bf: ini udah,cepetan, ini brenti di pinggir jalan.

me: lho ya kenapa?masuk aja?

bf: engga bisa udah ngelewatin pintu masuknya

me:lha, kenapa juga?ya udah, tunggu aja bentaar.

-----------------
*berlari-lari keluar halaman kantor, masuk ke mobil sambil menggerutu kena gerimis*

bf: huuh, lu tu ya

me: *angot* apaa sih?

bf: kan tadi di jalan udah bilang deket kok gak langsung keluar

me: yee masak gua nunggu di luar deket satpam?yang bener aja!lagian kamu sendiri kenapa engga masuk aja tadi? *sambil masih ngedumel karena kena gerimis*

bf:gila apa,gak bisa sembarangan kan masuk kantor orang!

me:*bengong seakan2 ngeliat UFO* lha, ngapain juga musti sembarangan?ya nyetir pelan belok kiri, masuk kantor,senyum ato ngangguk ama satpam, terus parkir deh.

bf: hah? ntar gua ditembak lagi!

me: *menarik napas panjang untuk kemudian menjerit* KENAPA JUGA DEH SATPAMNYA HARUS NEMBAK ELO?

bf: ya gak bisa sembarangan atuh, namanya juga lembaga tinggi negara, ada aturan-aturan khusus.mana bisa lo sembarangan masuk markas TNI ato MA,kan ada pintu2 khususnya,yang depan cuman buat petinggi *nyerocos padahal saya yakin ngeles*

me: ya disini engga gitu engga seperti lembaga^ tinggi negara lainnya yang otoriter gak jelas

bf: ya gue kan gak tau

me: ya sekarang dikasi tau

bf: untung gue gak diderek

me: salah sendiri kenapa kelewatan

bf: eeee udah dibilangin

me:yeee baru sekali2nya juga jemput disini mbok nanya

bf: GEMBEELL....

me:RESEEEE[sambil ngedumel dalam hati: gak mo ngaku kelewatan aja ngelesnya panjang amat,emang ada ruginya juga pacaran ama lawyer, ngeles mulu]

bf: eh ini kemana?

me:*masih gondok* kiri..kiri [sambil mendecak-decak: ck ck, kaya cicak]

---------------------------
=macet^an di sudirman=

me: kenapa ya kalo ujan dikit aja macet?

bf: ya karena mobil-mobil jalannya jadi lebih pelan karena ngehindarin genangan air juga karena view jadi kurang jelas

me:*mengerutkan kening masih engga yakin*

bf: oh i forgot, you wouldnt know it, karena kamu nyetirnya kaya angkot!

me: I am not!

bf: oh hell yeah, yang penting harus masuk dulu, harus duluan dulu jangan sampe ditikung!supir angkot!hahaha

me: No thats not true, gua bener-bener toleransi tinggi even motor-motor dan metro^ mini suka gak tau diri. eventhough i might be speeding, im so precise.

bf: you whaat? hahaha...

-------------------------------------

[+] this place i worked at for 6 months.tomorrow ill be back to 'slavery', makes everything here seems so peacefully fine. ima miss those stray-skinny-smelly cats wandering around the place i used to have lunch at, the delicious frozen cappucinno which is only Rp4000! and those yellow butterflies that made me feel like i was walking in central park everytime i crossed that lil green yard around the mainstreet.ok, maybe theres a bit of an exagerration here.a lot? oh well.

other small things that put a smile on my face:
driving in light traffic, my fave songs played on the radio,my nephew! [especially if he screams my name or laughing everytime i make stupid faces], what else? hmm ill probably continue later, now i gotta move my butt off to finish my never-ending review report. *sighs*

What Kind Of Blogger Are You?

2004-11-29T18:20:00.000+07:00

Hmmmph. This maay be subjective. But well, who knows? [siapa hidung?] ^_<

You Are a Pundit Blogger!

Your blog is smart, insightful, and always a quality read.
Truly appreciated by many, surpassed by only a few.

Now it's your turn. What kind of blogger are you?

The Zipper Incident

2004-11-29T13:56:00.000+07:00

Anyone knows why some women after they passed this certain age [20 something age],their metabolism will be freaking screwed?

I think I'm one of those women.

Like before 'that certain age' I used to be able to practice unhealthy lifestyle peacefully:
-eat whatever I want [the fattier the better, junkfoods?hey my pleasure!]
-never go to gym or do any kinda sport
-snacking and napping every chance I had
-or simply being a lazy bum

and amazingly still slim.never had problems with bulging tummy,oversized breasts, voluptous waists and bums thus never encountered any problems in buying tops,pants,skirts,whatever. I knew my size so id just grabbed them clothes-didnt bother to do some fitting-still the clothes would perfectly fit my body. Alas, those were good days.

Since few years back [yes after that certain age], Ive been facing this weight issue.My weight is like a yo-yo, sometimes it would weigh in a very good number [hello skanky skirts and tight tops!], sometimes i would stare at the scale and went "The fuck?" realizing my metabolism isnt too friendly nomore [here we go, inhale deeper to flatten ur tummy!]. anyhoo, i still cant get rid of the old habit and still practicing the unhealthy lifestyle although now, id be riding on this guilttrip afterwards.

in respond to my 'stubborness', the metabolism finally had enough of me and decided to wake me up from the euphoria of the past's glory. friends of mine [my bf's friends to be exact] got married yesterday, so i prepared to attend their wedding last night. i had the dress, the 'wedding reception' sexy sandals and even went to a salon to do my hair and make up. so there i was standing with a complete make up and nice hairdo, wearing this elegant black long gown with high split on the oneside which supposed to make me look like monica belluci-walking down the red carpet o_0, ready to go, satisfied with how i looked and that become even more legit when some friends gave compliments, so i felt 'its all good,mate'.

after the girls finally able to drag the guys to 'move it before the other guests eat the whole food', we finally set to go, and i was busy avoiding water puddles [it was rained the whole afternoon]in order to prevent the mud tainted my sandals and of course, the 'grammy gown' . still in an attempt to keep everything clean, i happily jumped myself into the car and landed my [now big] bums to the passenger seat when it happened.

that sound.it was quiet, nobody could actually hear it, except me.the sound of something's cracking, and finally it's followed by another sound, bit louder than the first one [still nobody could hear it], and this time, i know its for real.cant hide it nomore.

my fucking zipper broke on me. the jap zipper which located on the back of my dress broken, that u could actually see my goddamn panty since the zipper's going all the way to the above bums. i was in a deep horror, since i could feel how the dress 'tearing itself apart' and theres nothing i can do about it except screamed for help to a friend of mine who already got into the car with me. lucky the guys were still lounging outside the cars waiting for the other friends, eventhough they kinda raised their eyebrows and asked 'kok balik lagi sih?' when me and my friend hurrily got out the car and running back to their pad.

my friend didnt manage to fix the zipper [well it was pretty much fucked up anyways], so i told her to just pin it altogether with peniti and that id cover my back the whole evening with the pashmina. so yes i did that.

i went to a wedding reception with peniti on my back hidden perfectly under pashmina.

so much for making an impression. the "slim" dress hated me, the metabolism loathed me, i almost didnt attend the party with my crews....so...errr..[/feeling like an alcoholic in an AA meeting] i have to admit that im now having a slight weight prob [and no, im not obese,mind you.]

so yes. this is it. this time i have to be fucking strict to myself. *sambil ngunyah kepingan terakhir dendeng paru*

what? me having pms. i need loadsa food before gushing out considerable amount of blood.[/still in denial] teehee.

Creepy Thoughts At Night..

2004-11-25T18:13:00.000+07:00

These past few days id been having nightmares.
its pretty scary, eventhough id forget most of the parts after i woke up [fortunately]--but id blurry remember the flashing scenes of the things that actually happened for real, only in those nightmares the endings was somewhat always tragic and the plots somewhat horrible and left me headaches afterwards.[hmm maybe there were even monsters or bleeding body parts in some of those nitemares *trying to recall more*]
Anyhoo,might be because currently therere lot of stuffs jumping inside my head like an annoying toddler who keeps bugging her parents asses to buy her Barbies.

This also makes me realize that having a brain is not always beneficial.

So lets blame the things below that has been driving me nuts lately:
[+]This final review report that i actually should submit on next tuesday, or next wednesday the least.the deadlines still far, u say. well yeah, but this is a 6 months review report, so go figure.

[+]this dreadful client that I should be in charge of, well actually the client itself is not really dreadful but the person who heads the account team is someone unpredictable yet moody and yesterday I had a meeting with her and the junior colleagues and it wasnt fun. And oh btw, have I mentioned that she had this fantastic idea to introduce me to the client at 8 AM tomorrow? 8 AM?????!!! Has she out of her fucking mind? OK, maybe its the clients suggestion, but can she [as an account director] argue with that rather than just agreeing to whatever fuck theyre throwing? Its so freaking ridiculous.

[+]last night the parents meeting went alright, THANKS GOD! Despite of my moms usual nervousness, crankiness and annoying comments, it went okay. But then it gave me this goosebumps, followed by questions that suddenly burst on my head like cracking popcorns on microwave: "have u gone mad, D? do u really want to jump on that stage where u should bind urself forever with the most self-centered species on earth [read: male]?". I must have been out of mind. And then Id torture myself with some more scrutinizing thoughts, like id think of how opposite we are, and that I dont really enjoy hanging out with some of his crews and with all of the small arguments we sometimes had, how would i possibly think id be able to live under the same roof with him?. But then, in the end, id call and ask where hes at and told him how thankful I was that everything went alright and started discussing on stuffs to be bought. Yeah, as weirdo as that.

[+] other thing that bugs me, of how low that person judges me. Hah, she hasnt seen my piece yet. Wait and see. Ima have my best-selling piece someday, and shell be waiting in line for my autograph on that piece.Hehehe.

Oh wow, actually I think I still have more catastrophic thoughts to unload.Not to mention the mushy-cheesy-sentimental feeling like how I amazingly wish that id still be here till December. Ho hum, I know I used to complain that weve been stationed here for too long but now I think ima miss this place and its comfy space to waste time and the fact that this place offers minimum encounter on office politics that I detest.

But well, life goes on. And fuck, I need to go home now since I have an 8 AM meeting tomorrow and the fucking final review waiting to be done. Grrr..

Hunt My Head

2004-11-23T11:07:00.000+07:00

So this headhunter's office called yesterday and asked me to come down there for an interview with this "ibu"--apparently one of the recruiters there.
I had considerable amount of experiences dealing with headhunters before, so if I got that kinda "call" I usually ask how well do they know me [since sometimes they had an old CV of mine, which make them know nothing of my current position, achievements and expectation], or at least Id expect them to give me glimpse of their client's background first so Id be able to decide whether id pursue it or reject it. well I dont wanna come down to their office for nu-thin, na-uh.

But this girl over the phone seemed in a hurry and didnt really have that much of knowledge about that kinda stuffs, fortunately to her I was in an okay mood and not 'that' demanding, plus after she told me the location of their office i figured 'what the hell.its near by. me got nothing to lose anyways'

after checking emails and browsing some stuffs at the office for almost an hour, i hailed a cab and rushed to the said place, got there before 10 while the appointment was 10.15. since i was early i sorta had some time to go to the toilet, no not for a quick touch up, but well, this morning I hadnt done 'my business', so....=grins= okkk..i wont go for the yucky details, move on. teehee.

i wasnt really that pumped up about this interview, i got a feeling they'd offer me some sucky company [well sucky for my *subjective* standard, hehehe] since well, the headhunter seems a new player in the business, albeit they have an impressive office,though [i like the wooden floor and its quite spacey], but i dont know-the whole thing-starting from their receptionist--she didnt act 'professional': has anyone ever told her to talk to a guest properly and professionally? has anyone ever told her not to play teenies songs loudly and much worse, sing a long with it while there are peeps sitting at the lobby? its different if the office is an advertising agency or some funky media office that should represent the 'energetic youngsters' vibes, this is a goddamn HR consultant office for crying out loud!. A firm whether its a lawfirm, PR firm, HR/recruiting firm--it should be able to create an 'elegant and serious' atmosphere. so i kinda raised my eyebrows and thought how weird was it, especially after they stood me up for like 15 mins. the schedule was 10.15, alas I managed to get in around 10.30 something. the hell? u think i got all the time in a world for you? i tend to look down on company that's not punctual especially if they were the one who set up the appointment. *sneers*

anyways, I finally got in, and this "ibu" turned out to be a young, cheerful lady who's probably younger than me. she seemed 'too' cheery and wanted to portray an 'in control image'.

after some several lipservice exchanges, she looked at my CV then gave me this funny look and was like "Mbak?oh my God, ure now working in [insert the name of the office here]?" and then afterwards she started asking if this person or that person still there and blah blah since she used to work in my office.[small world? hah, tell me about it]
the interview was more into a "reunion" chitchat especially after she found out that im not interested in her client's company--so that got her off the hook and relieved that she didnt have this 'moral obligation' to keep it 'formal'.

Back to her client, as soon as she explained me about it, I unswervingly rejected the offer with a smile. Well, first: Im not interested with the company [its local and in a hospitality industry], second: i expect the higher level of position [like what I predicted, they had my old CV from some online career site that I never updated in like what 4 years ago maybe?] and third: the benefit's not impressive.

So then after several ha-ha we parted with a promise not to mention anything about the meeting to peeps in my office *smirks*, and she even promised to look for a much more suitable position for me in a kind of company that i desire which is a multi national, preferrably an oil company.

Just in case any of u readers might know anything about some jawdropping job offerings out there or perhaps ure in the headhunter business urself?, hey, be my guest, hunt my head! teehee.

Back To Life

2004-11-22T16:00:00.000+07:00

Suddenly I missed the light traffic that Id been enjoying the whole last week due to lebaran holiday which succesfully managed to drag tons of peeps out of J-town. oh well, nothing lasts forever.*sighs*
Monday hit hard with surprises that reminded me of how stressful life in J-town can be.Its like being slapped back to reality, gasping and trying to catch up with the heavy flow. The morning rushes, the road rages, the tons of paperworks awaiting to be done.Robots. We all are.

Maybe its just me, but i notice the different atmosphere now that ramadhan's over. i dont know, its like i can even smell it, the routines, the activities, the "normal atmosphere" of J-town.tough.hard. i think after 'holding back' for one month, them peeps are busy hurrying up with the world and creating new sins. Humans. You give them 1 month to retrospect and think of the afterlife, they'll spend another 11 months to indulge themselves with the world and forget their one month of 'being good'.

Anyways, hah. Aside from the traffic, I missed my mornings when I didnt have to rush in to bathroom, missed the days when I could just stay in bed all day watching TV or reading books, and missed the pool where I could swim back and forth the whole afternoon and then just laying on the poolside like lazy seals [without worrying I'd shriek in the morning-as a result of sore muscles-and unconciously fall back to sleep and missed my wake up time].

All in all, holidays are awesome!, maybe its about time that I look for the non 9 to 5 jobs that pays me good *thinks*

I just realize that Im gonna miss my current workplace, since starting next week I'll be back to my own office since we're through with the project here. I'll be handling new accounts and expect the infuriating office politics, the lame compies and non internet browsing free zone..oh not to mention the new recruits who will think im a new guy since i havent really set foot there in what, 6 months?. coping with all the annoyances-hullaballoo, again---after the privilege of only handling one account. dammit ive been lucky.

an alert for next week's chaos arrived this morning. suddenly, i have to replace a colleague and be an account manager for this certain complicated client [they're british and old. go figure.], maybe it wont be THAT sucks before I found out that the account director of our team is this 50 something australian maiden [shes a TA in our office] known of her moody weird attitude; and she'll be a person that i should report and talk to everyday about the client*bangs head*. You know what funny? [NOT!], my dear new zealander big boss sent a notification email to the client about me joining the team on Nov 13, 6.30 PM--now who would be insane enough to check office e-mails on saturday night, to be exact, a night before Eid Mubarak? Not me, no. So imagine the shock I had!. Other thing that convinced me running out of luck was when the bank told me I cant get my reksadana's confirmation letter, since they hadnt done printed it [duh?they told me before lebaran itd be done this Monday!] so I gotta swing back there tomorrow.Shucks.

i know i cant be lucky forever. now after almost 2 months bumming around in the client's office [well the first 4 months it was hectic down here], wasting company hours on internet browsing [for personal purposes] its time to leave all the happier things behind and actually "working" and get use of the office swipe card again.*frowns*

so since things wont be the same next week, I betta make the most of it this week!*sad*.

fucking jungle, here I come.

Testimonial: True Or Fake?

2004-11-20T21:01:00.000+07:00

The things that make me write a testimonial on friendster:
1. I feel like to
2. I had to because they write me [quite good]one
3. I feel like I had to because I gotta feeling they expect me to slam them back with one
4. I do that for the quantity *evil grins*

the first one is always a good one, because I dont [well not really] expect a testimonial in return. I do it because I know them in some stages/period in my life and I want them to know how I truly appreciate them around whether its because the time that we had was memorable or how they affected me as a person. mostly id dedicate this kind of testimonial for my long lost friends/current friends whom i know quite well, but there were peeps that i shared some good time with or if i happen to remember some stuffs about them and i feel like telling them that i remember, then hey, they're worth my testimonials eventhough i might not know them that well.

the nature of testimonials that i wrote based on the second and third will be:
1. if they write me good ones, then ill try my best to remember the good things about them.id drill myself and think 'hmmm were they funny? have they ever said something smart? were they fun to be with?, etcetera'

2. if their testimonials were based on some events that we happened to involve with, then id pound on that same event and add some bits to differ it from the ones that they wrote for me

3. if i really had no clue of their characters and i dont want to misjudge noone--id go on the 'safe side' like i wont emphasize on their personalities, but i'd write something 'related with them' like 'hey it was fun that we spent some wicked moment at miss x drama class' or 'hey from ur pic i can tell u havent changed a bit,girl and we havent seen eachother for like ages!'.

its quite easy for me to write one, eventhough were not really that close. maybe cos im quite a keen observer on almost everything, id be able to notice some little thing about them which i can always stretch to something worth reading and satisfaction guarantee.teehee.
on the other hand,im allergic to dull testimonial.anyone who did that wont get any from me--or if they insisted,alas,ill write them back some short,boring one.=p

Number 4,well,I only did it once and now ashamed of it.I was bored and thought 'hmm,i need to add the amount of my testimonials and i think if i write this person a testimonial, this person will be glad to return the favor'. i was right. [/i was fucking evil,i know].

i also really dislike it if some strangers from-God-knows-where messaged me, wanted me to add them to their list and give them testimonials. add them,ok i can do that. give them testimonials? say whaat? how can i give u a testimonial if i dont fucking know you?
usually i'd just ignore it, but i guess im pretty sarcastic tonight [or maybe funny? no?] i replied to the message like this [i just copied and pasted it,so this is for real]:

Hello..
thanks for the message. ill add u.
and about the testi..hmmm how bout u testi me first--and dont say something like 'take care' [i hate that eventho i might still approve it just for the sake of quantity]--say some good stuffs about me [well i know u dont know me well, but u can always make up things--like pretty,smart,nice *hint hint* cant u? haha] and ill testi u back with [hopefully] the same remarks.

Note: i was half kidding. but if u really want the testi...

---

Anyways,based on those above mentioned illustrations,and some brief observation on others too, ive come to the conclusion that u can not trust friendster's testimonials 100%. some of them [or most?] are full of lipservices, wildguesses, sweetnothings in expectation of some more sweetnothings and only some of them that are really true and come from the heart.
even if its from the heart and [might be] true, can u tell if its still applicable? the character we knew 10 years ago might have changed into a different character, right? i mean, things change, yo.can be for the better can be for the worse. how can you be 100% sure the testimonials u read have described one person well?

thus,i will never tell peeps to 'just look in my testimonials to find out some more about me'. they might be misleading! =)

Note.
apologize for non-friendster readers,u might not get this shit.hell,join friendster,ull understand.teehee.

Here Comes The New Snake!

2004-11-10T16:50:00.000+07:00

Finally, the snake has fully attained its new-enchanting-brighter skin. No more rotten, dark, gloomy looking skin, momma. the snake now is pimpin with dazzling blue blends with some pinkish, whitish, purplish colors. black still there, but only for some lines and title/description.

thanks to batata whom i constantly abuse to put down my never-ending whinings about lay out into this nice design:

Me:
hm im not sure this is the right color. a little brighter..hmm nope.darker.no, tone down a bit please.yup that's it.hm, wait. on a second thought i think i want the first one.

batata:
$%#@!!!!??

Me:
That pic looks like its being stuck there.not artsy. can u do something so it'd look more natural? u know, blend in with the background color? oh and wait dont do anything yet, since i wanna write something as a description. it should be placed beside it.

batata:
*waiting for me to complete the description*

Me:
aite, here goes.

batata:
how bout this?

Me:
mmmm... still doesnt look right. a bit to the right? can u stretch it so it'll almost reach the black divider line in the centre?

batata:
like this?

Me:
hmmm, not quite. how bout...blah blah..

batata:
&^%$#@!?!!!

and that went like forever until it finally satisfied me *evil laughs*, but i think she should be thanking me in the end since that just means i gave her practices in line with her educational background that she hardly use in her current job.phihihi.

oh, and thank you for shouthuns --wonderful freaking shoutbox with kick ass features, exactly what ive been wanting to have! im getting tired of changing shoutbox everytime they crashed down on me. i dislike those that doesnt have a highlight for owner's reply [so settling with tagboard and flooble when wdcreezz fucked up was tormenting] while those that offer the service like doneeh and wdcreezz are never available for long.[screw you?! teehee.]

blogskin and this certain blogger's layout have contributed a lot for the initial idea of the new skin.

The snake is smiling now after the relentless effort in scratching its old skin to fall out and emerge the new bright one =)

Do you have what it takes to be on the spotlight?

2004-11-08T17:05:00.000+07:00

Two things that I m not quite fancy of hanging out with the bfs family are:

- the annoying, deafening sound of sirens
- nodding, smiling and shaking strangers hands-pretend you re enjoying their undivided attention

And it s not only me who feels those things are overrated, my bf and his siblings also prefer to travel on their own in order to avoid having too much attention as the result of their dad s occupational hazard. However, when there are occasions that they simply can not avoid-that means I also can not avoid since the family almost always include me in one of those things- we'd have to suffer the torturing minutes in being the centre of attention, which lead me to the conversation with bf long time ago "I don t think I can ever be some government official s wife. I think I m not one of the girls who d jump off to the opportunity of waving their hands ala Lady Diana and smile to every stranger they met".

Ive known my bfs family since seven years ago. His dad used to be a fulltime lecturer in a state university when in the middle of the 90s, the government asked him to join the "bureaucracy world" as one of the directors in this certain state departments. 3 years ago, his dad who was an "underdog" got elected as one of the VIPs in this country. Coming from a humble family [literally. The family only owns 1 house in their hometown, while here in J-town they live in the government s official residence which they ll gladly leave when the dad is no longer in the position], the family keeps their undemanding lifestyle, and never allow themselves to get too familiar with the privileges. Its one of things that I admire the most about the family.
Wonder if other bureaucrats would do the same, since being honest and straight is not easy especially if u re holding an important position that allows u to catch quick-easy accesses to fortune!. Anyways, being one of the important peeps in the country doesnt really change their lifestyle [read: economically]. After more than 30 years working as a lecturer [oh he still teaches, by the way] and almost 10 years as a bureaucrat, his dad just managed to buy a second hand Mercedes this year [and still paying every month to get the payment settled], while in his position right now, everybody would want to buy him everything!.

Ha, if only he knew how much his daughter and son make for a living [working as professionals in private sectors], hed probably second guess his reason of becoming a lecturer/government official in a first place. Naah, playing, I bet he loves this field hes mastering with all his heart. Becanda lho oom. =) .

Of course, it has its advantages [or no? since his mom has been complaining that shes too old for it and misses her classes. shes a lecturer too, btw], like the mom&dad gets to travel extensively around the country and abroad for the official trips [the kids are not entitled to that privilege, though. boohoo.hehe].

Anyways, coupla years ago the family invited me to join them in some family vacation out of town [btw, it happened again last month on my last trip with them when his parents visited my dad in a hospital out of town] and since they have to obey protocol and the likes, then I had to familiarize myself with it too. And boy, was it hard. First, I didn t expect that the sirens of the fore riders, police cars and the rest of the circus bozzo would be so fucking loud I wished I wore earplugs, second I didnt expect that I had to mingle with the wives of the bureaucrats and having to answer their questions about [personal] things. Imagine the first thing you have to encounter while ure stepping down the airplane steps is line of people who are impatiently waiting to shake ur hands, while u in the other hand have to say things like 'thank you' , 'nice to be here' , 'thank you' and repeating it every time you see somebodys head is nodding or somebodys hand is throwing at you.

At first, it was somewhat flattering and you felt as if ure important and stuffs, but later on, it'd drain the energy. I dont think anybody can bear that kind of attention or that kind of routine everyday, well maybe some peeps are born for this kind of thing but I know I cant. Im a care free person, I d like to decide things for myself without have to be "burdened" with schedules from the protocol, that I want to be able to go everywhere I like without knowing there are some peeps shadowing me around [the horror] and the "obligation" to wear a plastic smile everyday under circumstances that requires a bit of lipservice is freaky. Haha, guess I m not a celebrity material, then. =p.

Note. The moral of the story: eventhough those top level government officials might get the privilege of the traffic free zone everytime they re on the street, they are most probably having some hearing problems. so, were still lucky, at least we re not going to be deaf anytime soon.=p

Don't mess with me, I bite

2004-11-03T11:13:00.000+07:00

Anyways. That s my motto for this week--i think im close to my period. women. u cant live with them but u can t live without them. RIGHT, men?

My heads still pounding since last night, I guess its because tons of things occupied my mind and it was heavily piled up in the back of my head and erupted when something triggered it. Now its not the personal stuffs that I worry about, since I know my current mood s so not into my bf s current attitude--so realizing that, and to prevent us from killing each other, we keep the safe distance till we both are back to our senses and behave. I m more concerned on the professional stuffs, this thing at the office. The text messages exchanging last night with my colleague was kinda bothered me. It s actually something that I discovered in my early days at the current office, but since it was just one case, I thought it might be just one of those things, and didn t really have to put much thought to it. I mean, nobody s perfect right? But then I was beginning to realize that the same thing happened again in other cases and when it was affecting my territorial, Im quite sure now that my first observation was right.

I was driving when decided to text my colleague since shes one of the seniors in the office who obviously would know a lot of information about stuffs—office politic, policy and the likes. She pointed out another case that similar to mine and suddenly the textings had somewhat stretched into some heavy discussion about leadership that went on till I reached home.

And from the discussion, I ve come to the conclusion that managing people is not an easy task, being a manager does not only require a brain, the most important thing is wisdom and leadership. Wisdom is not something that you achieve instantly, it comes with the maturity, the experiences and something that u call conscience. But then, when u reach the position where u have to decide things that will create impacts on other people s lives, then whether u like it or not u have to be one. U have to consider other peeps opinions too before deciding something, since its certainly not wise to consider ur only view especially if u don t really know exactly what s going on. What I really resent was that when I found out how this person that we were discussing about portrayed something about someone in the somewhat manipulative kinda way. It was too exaggerating, and it gave a false impression even though in a way it seemed just fine. And I felt more enraged since I know the fact better and wasn t even asked for an opinion [@!$#?!], and now somebody else will be treated a bit unfairly just because the wrong judgment of the so called PIC .

Anyways, these kinda things certainly has its good side, it encourages me to move on and look for a better work environment. Havent really looking, but sure as well I m considering it. Oh I almost forgot, got an out-of-the-blue text this morning from a 5 year older college friend whom I always consider as my big brotha. We always have this bond even though we haven t seen eachother in a longass time.

So the text went:

Big bro: hi They, apa kabar? [note: I used to write my name like that since it pronounces the same]

Me: Gini-gini aja, lo gimana?

Big Bro: Labil mode, PMS berkepanjangan..hahaha

Me: [/to myself: dang, does he still have his psychic talent? Why did he reply like that? It sounds like he just described my condition now. hmph.] Whaat?hehehe. syereem=) anyways, kapan nih bubar?

and the texting went on with the promise to catch up on a fasting break date sometime next week. Anyways….since I bite this week, be good to me. Mwahaha. Oops my meal has arrived. Ima have dinner.See ya.

A Simple Kind Of Life

2004-11-02T10:30:00.000+07:00

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
[No Doubt's A simple Kind Of Life]

The day after the 'e-mail's exchange' tragedy, I went to work like usual, and didnt expect to hear from him. I was still in my blank mode when he called during fasting break, I was in Carrefour-Ratu Plaza and stunned to witness loadsa food stalls where they're distributing free food during fasting break! kyaa, i should have gone there more often! [the foods looked yummy!] I used to have my fasting breaks [if i didnt get a chance to reach home by the time] at Ooh La La cafe--right at the lobby of the plaza, and that day I felt like I wanted to check out other options--so there I went to Carrefour, and VOILA. Since I got there like minutes before the break, I dared not to risk my life in joining the mass of hungry, eager peeps lining in front of the free food counters, so decided to go to the regular counters [where peeps have to pay]: faster, easier, saver. Teehee.

Anyways, he called, and it was only like 3 mins conversation, basically he was just asking where was I and if I had already eaten something, and I think it s his way of admitting that he was wrong, cos if there s a tinge of fact that it was just my lame hormones which started the whole *mayhem*, I m quite sure we re still not talking till today. Afterwards, we were pretty much okay, so I guess that settled—each of us had made our point across-in a harsh way. And was it worth it? Hell, I don t know, maybe that s how it goes with us?. After all, I can t expect to have a "let s talk things over" kinda situation with him, he would clam up and that will irritate me, thus we ll be going through the same torturing stage and its so not healthy —what matters is I know he gets my point and vice versa, there s no use of talking things through in details and expecting a heart-to-heart convo would be utterly ridiculous!. Just as long as he thinks it has settled without words [guess he s the true believer of action speaks louder than words], there s no use of waiting for a miracle! Anyhoo, I was digging out the old journals and stuffs, quite amazed with the writings and the stories I put down there, those guys I d been involved with-both casually and seriously, the problems I encountered and some goofy pics. For me, its always exciting digging the old stuffs—I ll dedicate a special post about this later. Oh, what s new? Oh yes, I m feeling a bit bossy around the house since the crew got back. I didn t intend to, but seems like everybody needs direction, and I m the one available for that service. Now, I m busy giving advices and orders just to keep things in order after what happened to dad—and that s not really fun, I m the freaking youngest child in a family, they should have pampered, spoiled and let me doing nothing instead!. Heh. Talking about things at home, me not feeling too good about having that person in the house, but I have no choice, we need her for helping us taking care of dad, anyhow, I don t like the way my mom shows too much dependency on her-and the fact that she realizes that, which make her feel a bit "over the top" sometimes. I believe we should draw certain lines to keep things in its right place, and also to not give anyone a wrong signal. I can be quite firm [and somewhat bitchy] to her at times, but she knows my intention is good because I won t bitch without a cause, I treat her equally, but she should learn to understand the distance, and not to involve emotionally with anything—since hey, u re not here because we invite u to, u re here because u work for us. It s not a goddamn Holiday-Inn. Anyways, I m thinking of taking care of her payment instead of mom, so I d have more freedom to assign her stuffs, jot down her job description, and emphasizing it to her professionally. I m already thinking to have her filling in this daily report book [I might have to think of the format first] of my dad s development—it will make her feel obliged to pay more serious attention to her role and the plus point is it ll give her some new knowledge! [/so generous huh? hah!] A lot of distractions from everything keeping me away from preparing stuffs for my own personal event. I m feeling guilty now cos I keep on procrastinating it, but I actually don t know where to really start, and I m overwhelmed by a lot of other things: works and dad s stuffs have occupied me in a way that I don t really have that much of energy to think creatively about my own personal thing. Bollocks. I wish my life s simpler. I mean, I keep on bumping on things that complicates one another, I ve been entangled by a lot of stuffs that comes in a sudden which require me to juggle for not letting one falls. It saps energy, really. Even to think about it. It makes me wonder why some peeps say that they don t want their life to be simple because it will be boring—hah, for me, if I could live a day without have to think about the pending tasks or confuse and worry about some stuffs, that will be the coolest day ever. I dont care if its boring. Boring doesnt hurt as much as confuseness where u feel like mutilating urself and hope it will grow into the new bodies, so ull have this army of peeps to have things done faster. But then it would be impossible, and in the end there s only one person to do all the stuffs. the thinking and the frustrating parts. I just hate it when I cant stop thinking. Why cant I just pause and feel relaxed. Its like if I can fast forward everything so I d be able to get through the whole process of everything in a flash, I d do that. *sighs*

Simple kind of life is overrated.

Brain Quiz

2004-11-01T11:04:00.000+07:00

Waha found this interesting quiz from www.mindmedia.com

The result was somewhat weird since I always considered myself as a right-hemisphere dominant [artsy and never had a perfect chemistry with MATH. tee hee.] , but turned out I'm a left-hemisphere dominant, by 66%! [wow daddy must be proud hehe]

does that mean, I chose the wrong major? I should have entered engineering school, medicine's [like siblings and mom] or other guys-related schools instead of communications?

Naaah =p

Btw, here's the result:
Your Brain Usage Profile:
Auditory : 18%
Visual : 81%
Left : 66%
Right : 33%

Summary of result:

You are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and a predominantly visual learner, an interesting blend of characteristics!
You are an intensely visual person, active and continuously searching. As such, there is no rhythm or beat to limit your learning. You are constantly absorbing and imaging. Your tendency to be left- hemisphere dominant, however, creates some difficulties. You continue to attempt to structure all that input and categorize it, at the same time continuing to seek out new input while "reflecting" in what you have already gained.
With your visual orientation absorbing so much input, you sometimes utilize your left-brain focus to identify logical aspects of what you perceive and may become overwhelmed by details.
When faced with situations where you have to rely on verbal input exclu- sively, you may find yourself needing to work more on maintain- ing an "overview" or perspective in order to fully grasp the material. It is likely that "sketching out" a representation of material that you are listening to will enhance your understanding and recall of the material. Drawing diagrams and note- taking allow you to "see" the relationships and absorb them more fully.
You tend to focus on details and are generally logical and organized. You have an intensity which is evident to others and yet can feel comfortable with the applied aspects of learning, the practical.
Given that you are somewhat goal-directed, the difficulty with being so visual is that you continuously "see" new goals and thus may be drawn from one to the other or at least forced to think about them within present structures. Because of your visual processing mode, you are regularly faced with tolerating and integrating ambiguity, a process which disrupts the equilibrium of your left-hemisphere preeminence.
It is likely that you are restless continuously and do not feel challenged. You may well explore engaging in activities which enhance right-hemisphere functioning which would reduce some of the tension you might currently be experiencing.

Bouncing Back

2004-10-28T14:27:00.000+07:00

So well, i think its a good day to bounce back from the black. Hence, the purple font color. the purpose of using this color is clear--so id feel more cheery. Or maybe I'm just bored with the gloomy black color in my blog [which eventually lead me to change the layout], so a bit of purple would hopefully help to brighten up this blog.

Today, I'm not sad, definitely not happy, nor restless..im just blank. The roller coaster of emotions I felt since Monday finally come to its resort. Been too fluctuative these past few days and now it has reached the lower scale, me lethargic. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'd say OR.

So here I am, finally trying to absorb the awful truth of our condition, that the thing was not getting better, it's basically just waiting to erupt. Maybe I couldnt accept the fact that things won't be better in an instant. There was just too much hatred, broken souls, disappointments, prejudice, curiousity..it's just not healthy. And I'm too coward to accept the fact that it's not healthy. I'm too coward to face the truth that maybe this aint working out. Or if it is working out, it's going to encounter the bumpy, rocky roads. Hmph.

Of all those confusions piled up till today, there are several things I want to emphasize:
[+] never trust a person who thinks they're a psychic. especially if the person claims they know this surah and that surah from Qur'an blah blah, but in reality is not religious enough [not fasting during fasting month, nor doing 5 times praying]. what was I thinking? I should have blown her off her face when she said those things.
[+] never try to justify ur insecurity or worries about something by agreeing to some bullshit a stranger's thrown at you.
[+] e-mail's fightings is really consuming. It drains your energy, it gives you an eternal headache especially when u're doing it while fasting. Guarantee a sudden stroke [well, i know its redundant considering stroke comes in a sudden, but well--i just feel like i had to emphasize the deadly effect]. So never ever dare to do that [again].

so, we continued the torturing of each personality through text. actually i was the one who texted him first since he already left the office and I assumed he hasn't seen my latest comeback--so I decided to text him what I felt [also the rebuttal of his last excruciating e-mail]. I was so devastated actually when I texted him that, since I never thought that he could think of me that low. I think he's only twisting words in order to get even or to deny the fact that I was right, but I never thought he would go to that stage without that much of thinking that it might break my heart. He always concerns about other people's feelings, about watching his acts so he won't offend anybody--but when it comes to my feeling, it doesnt matter just as long he gets his way? Why? Just because of the thing I done in the past that spoiled our relationship--it makes me guilty for everything and deserve to be treated like shit?

He then replied my text, apologized ["for everything"]. But the damage has done. I felt injured. I didnt reply to that text, until now. He doesnt try to contact me anyways, so I think it's better for me to leave it like that. I dont want to call because I dont know what to say and I feel its just useless, I think I suddenly lost interest to talk to him---because at this moment it seems pointless.

I still cant believe how he can be so nice to everybody else, and try to be fair to them and treat them good [sometimes its too much but he's so willing to do that], but to me, he sometimes can be so unfairly rude.

So in order to bounce my way back to sanity, I feel like I have to stay away from him for a while.
Just because.

Black

2004-10-26T13:04:00.000+07:00

Will I ever manage to let go of his past?
Why it keeps on haunting me wherever I go?
Today it's so clear, that it will never leave me alone.
I hate it, hate it, hate it.
I've tried so hard to bury it, yet it keeps on showing, glowing.
Is it true? Is it real? Has he been hiding it away from me?
Is it true? Is it real? Has he been deceiving me?
Is it true? Is it real? Has he never set the record straight with me?
I'm lost in this black.
I'm afraid because I can't see.
I fear of what I dont know yet I fear of what I know
This black has captivated me, paralyzed my nerves and suffocated my sanity
I dont know if I ever be ready to soak in eternity when I have doubts of what has been going on
What's going on?
black is black...
Oh God, why it won't leave me alone?

[October 26.2004. one of my fear factors]

so she grabbed my hand, and started reading my palm. i didnt ask for it, i actually hated it because it will make me think and it will make me sink if i find out something that i dislike.
but still she managed to get a hold of my left hand, and she started blabbering about his character, my past, his past, and the one thing that i dont even want to remember nomore, but yet she managed to startled me with it. she even envisioned it, and i was gasping for air since suddenly i felt i was out of breath.

that thought again.that i fear the most.
and now, it's haunting me again. i fear my fear will kill me oneday.

should i go through with it, or should i pass?.

i wish i could cuss, but since its still ramadhan, then. heh.

E-u-p-h-o-r-i-a

2004-10-25T10:30:00.000+07:00

Inhaling you
Breeze, coming to my lungs
Slowly I’m capturing the sign of euphoria
Exhale..
Sweet talks, sugar coated candy smile
Tragic flirtatious laughs
Interlocking eyes
Bottom down that sweet green liquid, over and over
Gazing away
Dizzy of the might have beens
Fear of the future
Trapped in anxiety
Now the night is dancing away with madness

You’re probably unaware of what you have done
You will probably never realize what you did
You’re just another excuse of my denial
It’s my soul that has gotten away…

//this has pretty much summed up last week's//

Gone Too Soon

2004-10-20T11:22:00.000+07:00

The news struck me when I was stepping into transjakarta along with other commuters who were impatiently trying to get a seat, or at least a comfy space to stand until finally reach each destination.

I raised my voice in disbelief "WHAT? but WHY?" to my cellphone, and after minutes passed, started to regret myself for losing a bit of control earlier, since few heads turned and gave me the you-noisy-prick-shut-up kinda look. So then I decided to hang up the phone, since it was impossible for me to keep on talking without my handsfree [again, I forgot to bring it with me]and at the same time trying to keep my balance from being tossed and turned inside the crowded transjakarta bus.

"Hey, I'll call you back tomorrow ya" was my closing statement before finally managed to get myself a seat--after suffering for quite a miserable amount of time caused by inhaling some highly poisonous almost deadly body odor [believe me, it was that strong, even me who had flu could still smell it!] from i dont know who, but I think its one of the guys around me.

While I was seating, I started to think, why it's happening. I asked her if something happened that caused her to do such act, she replied with "No, nothing happened. I just thought it's too open, so I decided to take it off"
I felt like de ja vu. It's not really the first time she did this kind of impulsive thing. What I cant understand is that, just before, she was so pumped up about it--she was really into it, I was amazed with her energy that she managed to allocate that much of time to do those works. And then, voila. Out of the blue, she took everything off.

I dont want to speculate, since I havent really talked to her about it. But I cant help but thinking there must be something big happened that forced her to do so. Otherwise, its just strange. Too strange.
If its what i think its, then, bummer. It's so unwise. I mean, she has lots of passion in writings, sucha shame to burn that down. Maybe, if its unacceptable for certain party, then there are a lot alternatives to still do it rather than close it down for good, right?

she can always tone down her writings, cover some facts, hide the identity--whatever, it can always be done. Oh well.

Anyways, I hope this is just a temporary thing and she'll be back with a brandnew format or something.

Hah, surely this playground ain't feel the same without her [hey girl, u know who u are!].

Boohoohooo...

2004-10-19T14:39:00.000+07:00

Huhuhu, saya sakit. Menyebalkan sekali sakit flu di bulan puasa, badan lemes, pegel^ dan yang jelas tenggorokan jadi lebih kering. What can be more worse than that? hiks.

Anyhoo, jangan pernah lewat Tanah Abang kalau ingin menghindari 3 freakin 1 rule.
Ceritanya karena kemarin virus flu mengakibatkan kepala saya berasa seperti balon udara yang diisi air bergalon-galon, saya memutuskan untuk pulang lebih cepat yaitu jam 4.30 PM kurang--sebenarnya itu jam pulang resmi di kantor klien saya, karena Ramadhan.

Tadinya sih, ingin pulang lebih cepat lagi, sekitar pukul 4.00 PM, tapi karena masih harus memeriksa & supervisi dokumen untuk media yang lagi didraft oleh colleague, jadi terpaksa keluarnya deket-deket dengan jam diberlakukannya 3 freakin 1.

Begitu nyetir keluar kantor, udah terlihat jejeran mobil-mobil ke arah Thamrin--oh hell, saya langsung hakul yakin gak bakal bisa ngejar 3 in 1, kecuali kalo mau nekad, tapi setelah dipikir^ saya lagi enggan berdebat kusir dengan polisi.
Pertama lagi puasa [entar malah tambah bikin haus dan so pasti pahala rada di korting ama boss], Kedua karena lagi flu [otak muternya jadi lebih lambat, so kemungkinan saya kalah debat lebih besar], dan yang Ketiga karena saya begitu naif berpikir pukul 4.30 PM Tanah Abang gak bakal macet!.

Ternyata, juenggg. Sepanjang jalan Abdul Moeis itu merayap gila, saudara-saudara. Tadinya pengen jerit^, maki^ ato malah nyumpah^ sekalian--terutama karena saya gedeg sekali dengan pengendara^ motor yang seakan^ memiliki magnet--selalu tarik menarik dengan mobil saya!Grrr--in time like that, i wish i had a hummer so i can smash down all of those annoying motorbike riders.

Tapi kemudian saya berpikir, sumpah serapah hanya akan membuat perjalanan terasa semakin panjang dan lama, buang^ energi yang memang sudah tinggal separo, jadi saya cuman bisa istigfar aja dalam hati [eh, religius bener! *winks].

Akhirnya, setelah berlelah-lelah macet, saya berhasil mencapai Pejompongan pukul 5.30 PM! dan guess what. Saya disambut oleh mobil^ yang bumper to bumper juga, right in a verge of frustration si lelaki menelpon dan berkata 'sudah belok aja ke Benhil biar bisa buka dulu' [tempat nongkrong dia dan teman^nya--tapi pada saat itu dia justru lagi gak disana], yang saya balas 'kalo aku pake mampir^ dulu, aku yakin gak bakal punya tenaga lebih untuk masuk ke mobil dan nyetir lagi'.

Ya su, akhirnya saya membulatkan tekad untuk tetap menyetir, dengan terseok^ akhirnya tiba juga di Senayan--lumayan lancar, dan memungkinkan untuk speeding sampe rumah [setelah sebelumnya buka dulu di mobil dengan aqua gelas, 500 perak,beli di pedagang asongan jalanan dan mengemut 2 permen hasil terbang dengan GIA weekend kemaren. hiks.]

Sampe rumah pukul 6.30 PM, langsung ke dapur dan minum teh manis panas [slurp], nata de coco [kelapa] yang dicampur ama sirop pisang susu lalu dilanjutkan dengan magrib. Selese magrib, makan yang kenyang [syukurlah tadi malem si Inah engga masak keasinan lagi] terus menenggak obat^an flu yang selalu stand by di rumah karena yang punya rumah sering sekali dijangkiti virus flu. [duh, penyakitan sekali deh]

Berikut tersangka-tersangka yang harus didakwa karena flu saya kali ini:

1. Supir taxi yang sekitar 2 minggu yang lalu saya tumpangi taxinya. Dia lagi flu, dan saya harus 'menderita' menerima tumpahan virus^nya yang berterbangan setiap dia bersin dan mind you, sirkulasi di taxi itu juga jelek [kebetulan dapet taxi bapuk yang ACnya jeblog].boohoo.

2. Si Batata yang minggu lalu juga kena flu, dan flu nya lagi di stage awal [suara bindeng^, badan panas/lemes] yang justru adalah stage paling berbahaya karena virus flu biasanya lagi kenceng^nya di stage itu. Dan karena dia duduknya punggung^an ama saya, so what do you expect? *frowns*

3. Last but not least, tersangka utamanya adalah lelaki saya yang weekend kemaren seharusnya bersama^ dengan orangtuanya ketemuan dengan orangtua saya di hospital [hence his parents flew the whole family--except his sis and his bro in law out of town]--tapi ndilalah, dia justru panas tinggi dan hampir tumbeng begitu turun dari pesawat. Terpaksalah selama kunjungan disana dia hanya ngendon di kamar hotel, sementara yang ketemuan dengan ortu saya adalah ortu dan adik cowonya [agar sodara^ yg belum pernah kenalan dengan si lelaki tidak salah kaprah dan mengira adik si lelaki adalah sang calon, saya segera mengklarifikasikan bahwasanya lelaki saya mah lagi tergeletak di kamar hotel.Bummer.].

So. Kesimpulannya: dia hanya pindah tidur, dan untuk itu menghabiskan biaya berjuta^. Heh. Oh well, its not my money anyways. Phihi.

Jadi kelihatannya akumulasi dari berbagai macam virus flu yang menyerang saya beberapa minggu terakhir ini plus kurang istirahat karena frekuensi short trips yang lumayan sering last week mencapai puncaknya begitu berasimilasi dengan virus si lelaki.Virus juara emang, hanya terkontaminasi 1 hari saja--langsung bikin mabok gini.=/

Thus, hari ini rencananya saya akan mempercepat jadwal pulang saya, biar bisa lebih banyak istirahat, dan fit keesokan harinya.

Wish me luck gak macet^an lagi ya sodara^! ^_^

The Red Panther

2004-10-18T11:25:00.000+07:00

Ha, fun quiz.

And I'm The Red Panther.
My comments in blue

You are Red Panther, who has pure and gentle atmosphere.
Hm, me? pure and gentle. I don't know about that.But kewl if its true, though.Hehe.

You tend to give a vulnerable impression, and have a fairy like mischievousness.
Mischievous hehe, yeah, i think so. I don't know about vulnerable impression though. I dont think my facial expression has 'help-me-im-hopeless' sign on it.

You can be temperamental and little bit selfish.
this is true.

You may be unable to find the objective of your life, and may take a long way round in finding it.
really? guess thats why they say life sucks, eh.hehe.

Your attraction is the way in which you do not deceive your heart, and act accordingly to your feeling.
that is an attraction? i thought its a weakness.heh.

If you try to handle many things at once, you will break up that energy, and therefore, you should stick to doing one thing at a time.
really? wow, that means i should be thinking of changing work.

If you can control yourself, then doing something adventurous is not a problem.
yeah!

You are passionate person.
true ;-)

You have very high ideals, and this make you not see the reality.
sometimes i do. yes.

You tend to become a dreamy sort of person.
hey, i am a daydreamer. =)

You dislike being restricted, and try to carry out your life with natural sense of your own instinct, that including your likes and dislikes.
true. I like to do things in my own time.

You possess strong beliefs, and are very intelligent and hard working person.
strong beliefs, yes so true. ah, nicee, me very intelligent?cool. hard working, well, under certain circumstances, i think.hehe.

But when you lose interest, everything stops half way through, and nothing is accomplished.
well yeah, i like things that keep me challenged.But if i lose interest, i dont stop half way through, though. i tend to finish things, eventhough it may take a long time [if it bores me too much].

You should make yourself clear between ideals and reality.
yes, actually ive been convincing myself about that over and over. well.

You are too smart enough to be satisfied with ordinary housework.
really? u mean i dont cut out to be "just" a housewife? Bummer. I thought it was a very cool idea--doesnt have to go to work everyday. Hmm.

You prefer to lead life free of responsibility.
nah, not really. but its a nice thought eh? i think everybody would prefer the same thing if they can.

Nevertheless you will be obsessed with your children's education.
True. I would want them to have the best education. And by that, i mean, not only formal education.

Bewildering Skits

2004-10-15T15:14:00.000+07:00

A boy: "If I had a soulmate, that would be u. But what if u were my soul mate and we're not together, does that mean everyone else is second best?"

A girl: "hmph. I don't know. Maybe? But it would suck, though"

A boy: "what do you feel, though?"

A girl: "Huh? what do you mean?"

A boy: "U don't know, that's reasoning talking. But strip logic aside, do u feel everybody else is second best?"

A girl: "Maybe. In someway, though"

A boy: "Are you happy now?"

A girl: "I'm not complaining"

A boy: "That doesn't answer the question"

----------------------------------------------

I don't know if i really believe in soulmates. i like to toy with the idea that there's a part of me in other person's body and that makes that someone is my soulmate. its much more relieving and convenience to think that there's someone out there who can really understand you and have this very strong chemistry with you. this bond. like u dont really have to say anything, that other person already knows it. Conversations stretches for hours even after years and years together because obviously the two of you never run out of topics.It's never boring--never dull, u wont have to look for topics, u wont have to plan of what to say--because when u guys are together, it just flows like that.well, a lot of couple are like that. it doesnt seem that far-fetched anyways.

So, do I believe in soulmate? well, I'd like to think so. Because it's easier to believe [or want to believe] that u're not so complicated afterall. That there's another person in this world who think like u think.who wants the same things. who laughs at the same lame jokes. who does not mind being with u eventho' u have a weird character, for example.

Soulmates are soulmates. It doesnt necessarily has a romantic or erotic catch in it, it can be our mom, our dad, our sister, our brother, our friend, our long lost friend, our ex.it can be anyone.

So. The question is.

Will you be happy if your husband/wife is your soulmate? Oh, how lucky! happy?Most probably
So that means you won't be happy if your husband/wife is not your soulmate? No I dont think so.

Because what is happiness anyways? I personally believe it is a state of mind. It is not an easy feeling to describe, because when it is pain, u can tell it right away. u can even feel the hurts growing inside ur chest, like sometimes it feels like vinegar drops on ur open wound. Ouch, u know its painful.

But when somebody confronted u with the question 'are u happy?'--doesnt it feel bit overrated? because define happy. Are you always happy? happy when? now? yesterday? tomorrow? always? what is a happy person? even a clown cries.

so i think, it doesnt matter whether u have to work to reach that state-of-mind. that it doesnt go as simple as the other peeps who *found* it first or easily.

back to the soulmate topic, it doesnt matter eventhough its not ur soulmate that u come home to everynight.that doesnt mean u'd feel less than those who does.

because, what matters the most is, their beings. that they want to be with you, they want to share their hopes and dreams with you even if those are not the same with ur hopes and dreams but they still want to be around you and try to work things out with you.

they dont want to leave you, even after everything you've done, they still want to be with you.

so soulmates or not, if they walk the talk, then it's the perfect choice.

and who knows, oneday they'll eventually be ur soulmates--i mean, ull never know, right? maybe the process is slow but there's always a possibility!

or otherwise, let's not toy with the 'soulmate' idea. maybe it's a bit of an exaggeration.

wouldnt life be much easier than to drown urself in the what-ifs? i hate what-ifs.

=Have a fine, fine weekends everybody!=

Hello Ramadhan

2004-10-15T09:00:00.000+07:00

The first test of ramadhan came at sahur [the time where u should eat before fasting--its dawn, around 3 am]----when my maid cook me a very lousy food because it was all SALTY. Maan, I was actually forcing myself to eat it, because well, I had to, otherwise I'd have to go on without anything in my stomage till magrib [the time where u finally able to break ur fasting, its around 6 PM]--now that would suck.

I was wondering what's got into her, since she cook a quite tasty meal last night, I was actually satisfied with dinner. Besides, I'm easy to please anyways --I dont mind eating not-very-sophisticated food [the kind that my mom usually cook], but dang, i cant stand it if its TOO salty, TOO spicy, anything that's too much really annoys me [urm, that goes for everyone doesnt it?] So, well, I was almost this close to bark at her when I realized well, it's Ramadhan, I should be moree patient. So, then I finally came up with "Nah, saya gak bisa makan ini kalo terlalu asin. Kenapa masak asin semua? kentang, telor, sayur semuanya asin. Besok yang bener ya masaknya. Ini kan bulan puasa, harus makan cukup kalo sahur."

So there. [I was patient enough, wasn't I?]

Anyways, this year's ramadhan feels different than last year, since last year sahur was with the rest of family, minus my sister who spent it with her own family.but this time, I spent the first sahur alone. Dad's in a hospital in another town, mom and bro are also there with him. I really hope we'll be able to bring him home next week *fingers crossed*, so the house wont feel so empty nomore.
The blessing in disguise of all this, this ramadhan, there's a progress in my personal life. It's finally happening, eventho' not in a very perfect, convenience time--considering other stuffs that happened almost at the same time and its very confusing cos everything seems entangled one another--but all in all I think I finally see a point in all of these things. Allah, bless me. bless us.

Ramadhan updates
* received a lot of text messages from peeps that I know, and some long lost peeps whose numbers I didnt keep. It was fun to get to "find" them again. Guess Ramadhan brings us together eh?

*My long lost buddy from college who happen to look a lot like No Doubt's Tony Kanal..hehe--surprisingly texted me and said that he'll be in town next week and said he has a CD's compilation for me. The CD consists with indie songs from bands nobody really heard before. Woohoo, just what I need in a verge of desperation for not being able to enjoy most MTV music nomore . I really need to update my musicality. Can't wait to get together with him for buka puasa bareng. Thanks in advance for the CD lho, Ky!

*Still from ramadhan's texts, I found another long lost buddy from college, who was my partner in crime in 'thesis making'. we suffered together, even cried of frustration together, since we both sometimes stumbled upon the same problems like computer crash, the *missing lecturer* or simply becoming too dull to understand the simple math [since in chapter 4 of the thesis we had to put down the results of our research/survey into boring tables and counted it. The horror.]
she used to be Tony Kanal look-a-like's housemate, so I told her he's coming to town next week, and asked whether she wants to hang out together. So she's up for it, and I really hope it would happen-- since, remembering those days, the three of us used to hang out together for dinner or simply just prowling in their house.

*One more thing, I have a 6.30 am flight tomorrow [yes, tomorrow's saturday and i was actually planning to stay in bed all day *sighs*]. aaaah, i hate early flights.much worse, cos its fasting month =/ but what can i do? the bf's parents have a pretty tight schedule.
anyways, hope everythings will be alright.when it comes to this kind of thing, i suddenly feel this is all too fast for me. am i ready? no? yes? have to?=nervous=

Anyways, for those of you who celebrates Ramadhan, selamat menjalankan ibadah di bulan puasa ini ya. Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin.

[+] Current mood :

The Shadow

2004-10-14T14:15:00.000+07:00

The shadow was gray. It was the perfect shadow that I can remember. It sometimes turned to red, blue, purple and yellow. But it's naturally gray.

It was so perfect, caught me off guard, at first I thought I might've able to overcome it, foolish me. How was I supposed to handle something that was so mysteriously dangerous, tantalizing and persistent? I failed.

Then it managed to drown me so deep, brought me to the most pinkish fantasy any perv would have dreamed of, it touched the soul in the most mind-boggling kind of way, the feeling was astounding.

I was an addict to the shadow. A devoted junkie.Funny how, I haven't really seen it face to face. But the shadow was loyal. It never left me even only for a minute. I pictured the shadow in my mind, I remembered every curve, every sight, every line, every color, even the shape of the shadow. I was actually felt that the shadow was a part of me. I talked, dreamed, chanted,whispered,cried,smiled,laughed with the shadow. It ran like blood through my veins. It pumped up my static life, it penetrated my rational thoughts, it destroyed my equilibrium. There was the time when I was driving, I seen it in front of my car, and sometimes on the passenger seat besides me. It was insane,I was not myself and I felt ecstatic.

The thought of this shadow, kept me alive. Everything seemed so much lighter, and there wasnt a day passed without me thinking of finally embracing this perfect shadow. It spoiled me more than I could ever imagined, I was a very fortunate woman who lived in this beautiful realm created by thoughts,vague visions. [with the help of lovely abc-s and convincing hollywood's, it didn't seem unreachable. hmph.]

The roller coaster of sweet candy thoughts and mixed emotions finally collapsed with the brutally honest reality. The surreal wasn't meant to land in this world of mine that was already crumbled and fallen apart.

Suddenly, chemistry was not that much to keep hauling the shadow into my realm. It was excruciating to learn that something so perfect was not for me in the end since it was never meant to be.

The shadow was gray, it was never black or white. It was always in between. It was never real, it was a teaser of something that could be real. It was always residing on the shaking grounds, it had subsided when the fact of life gradually sinking in. I cursed the moment when the shadow revealed its nature. That it only wanted to stay as a shadow.

But no, I don't regret it, because the shadow helped me to understand life.And it will always be the mate of the lonely soul. But it will never be something to have and to hold. Because it's gray. An in-betweens. A what-ifs. A might have beens.A repercussion of a hopeless romantic's dream.
It will stay as one.

I like it im not gonna crack
I miss you im not gonna crack
I love you im not gonna crack
I killed you im not gonna crack

(nirvana)

[+] Current mood:

Basket case

2004-10-05T14:56:00.000+07:00

restless / bored/ tired/ lost/ thirsty/ angry/ quiet/ wondering/ missing him/ anxious/stress depressed/ excited/ stupid/ugly/why/when/what

/ who/ where/how/ cornerofmyheart/ guilty/ shadow/ days/ truelove/ black

/ frighten/ fear/ sevendeadlysins/ sloth/ wrath/ greed/ pride/ gluttony/ lust/ envy/ fire

/thunder/let-me-go/sleepy/hate/height/nomoreconfusions/keepmewarm/

solitude/

souvenir/

rain/whisper/2 years/tears/the hospital incident/pinkish blue/old/

quarter life crisis/

more than words/thin line/nothing can stop us now/ blemish/ premises/

X factor/knightrider/yellow motocross/shiny new eyes/cute dimples/

new shade of grey/go on...

//Random thoughts//

im so bored i need a new challenge
ill be out of here before my second year
i havent booked a ticket, should i book now or later?
why should i go tomorrow?
should i be a parliament member five years from now?
i know u're reading this stop pretending that u dont
i miss moimoi,moimoi whom i wouldnt be able to see this weekend
i dont really buy friendster's testimonials, sometimes i think most of them are fake
i need a new environment
im too lazy i keep on procrastinating that review
i dont like her, i think she's fake and a hypocrite. she's pretty but she's no brainy
i wanna go home
yesterday i planned to take a taxi, but since there's no cab around, i took a transjakarta instead, it was empty! i frantically ran to catch the damn bus, and i got a seat!=what an achievement=
its 3.30 something, and i still wanna go home
wanna write something philosophical, but suddenly i got dumb
i wish i could welcome ramadhan with the whole family
im drooling over ikea catalogue
im designing a homey place to live in on my mind
I wanna go home
I'm fasting today
My maid's a compulsive liar, a hopeless cook but at least she's good in cleaning
pengen ketemu miamorrrrr moshi moshi!
God I long for SUSHI.

How much time do we have?

2004-10-04T16:19:00.000+07:00

Yusman's a 40-something Malaysian-Singaporean [who claimed to also have a Thai blood], he's one of my office's technical advisors. He's the only expatriate in the office that I didn't call by first name. Well, maybe cos his physical appearance which's very melayu that made me never thought of him as an 'expat-that-we-can-call- by-first-name-nomatter-how-old-they-are'. So, I always called him 'Pak'--eventho' i'm sure he wouldnt mind if i'd just called him Yusman, but well.

We were not that close-close, but we did have something in common, every 3.30 or 4 PM we usually took a 5 to 10 mins break from work, and joined the rest of the crew in the office who believe nicotine is another form of oxygen [/has to be regularly inhaled to keep the body system from *malfunctioning*]. he was not always comfy to be around some peeps at the office, maybe cos he sensed they didnt like him that much, so sometimes it was only the two of us hanging in front of the office's lobby.

For me personally, I didnt really care of the fact that he could be really irritating sometimes.We had a chance to work together in some client's accounts--and it was pretty alright. If he got out of line [/read: getting cranky or procrastinating things or simply being irritating] i told him right away. well, i could be a brutally honest person--eventho' his position was considered higher than me--but if its MY account, and he was *messing* with it, then i couldnt careless if he's the president of this country [/owkay, that's a big exagerration, if he was the president of this country, of course i would care! what? i wouldnt wanna risk my ass].
so maybe-in a way-my brutally honest personality kept us in quite a good track, unlike some of my colleagues who were not really in a good term with him, after experiencing several "unpleasant-heated situations".

Anyways, since i was stationed at my clients office and he was also stationed at the other clients office, we didnt get in touch as much--but he was somewhat still pretty thoughtful to me [/maybe cos i always listened patiently everytime he complained about job or peeps at work]--when i was out of town to accompany my dad who had to undergo a surgery, he called and supported me. After I got back to work, I had to help him on some project, afterwards, he treated me and a colleague to lunch, we were having lambchops. yum.

I think the last time I met him was when he dropped off some documents to my current work place. He seemed okay, as usual he joked around about 'my new work place' i rebutted, we had some laughs--and its just like any other day.

So when my colleague informed me 2 months ago that he went to Singapore to have a general checkup since he'd been complaining that his neck had been stiff for too long, the flu was never ending and the fact that he hadn't done a general check up for sucha long time, i thought it was something light.

But then an e-mail surprised me. He had cancer. Blood cancer. Leuchemy [spelling?]--or in bahasa: Leukimia. And he's on the critical level [stage 3].

i was kinda worried and bit hopeless, but since my other colleague insisted that leukimia is curable and she was so convincing, i then believed he's going to be alright again--so i didnt think that much of it. Another e-mail from my colleague several weeks ago regarding his development was also comforting "The chemo worked! he just need to have some bedrest and then he'll be prepared to comeback here in a coupla weeks".

So i thought, "hey i'd give him a call later"

On Saturday [Oct 2], i received a forwarded text message from his wife:

Friends, I'm sorry to tell you that Yusman passed away @ 10.30 PM Spore time, peacefully in his sleep. Funeral is tmw 1 pm. May God be with him. Please pray for him.- Annie.

I was shocked. Until now, I still cant believe it. Maybe cos I never seen him miserably sick or something. It seems like only yesterday we bitched on some workstuffs, had those "coffee breaks" and gosh I still owed him my writings! [he always insisted to see and review my writings--he was a former journo and used to be a contributor for FEER before, so].

I regret that I didnt pay that much of attention to him. I did text him once when he was still on chemo, but since he didnt reply it--i thought, maybe he was still on medication and couldnt be bothered or something, so u know, i didnt bother to try back. And then i completely forgot about it due to works and u know, life.

That makes me think, how very selfish i was. Why didn't i bother to call--to give moral supports or to comfort him or something? I always thought there'll be time for that. But, who can predict the future?

So, now I'm thinking. How much time do we have left? Do we really have that much time in this world? Do we have enough time? Do we need more time?

After all, our names are all in God's waiting list. To be exact, in the angel of death's waiting list. We'll never know when and how, it's a mystery--just like life after death [btw, have u ever wondered--what would it feel like to live forever? ]

And, regarding hell. Well I doubt that we can ever escape sins, so if all of us are sinners, how will we reach heaven? if we should purify ourselves to reach the gate of heaven--that means we need to be burned in hell first until [/according to God or angels] its enough then we'll finally reach heaven?.

The thought of being burned in hell first nomatter how much good that we done in this life [/since we will always sin, right? we're not pure like angels are] is fucking scared the hell outta me considering my 'preparation' seems would never be enough according to God's standard.

Hence, I always feel lost everytime I hear someone's died. Not only the death of people that I know personally, but also those that i dont. [/like the late Sukma Ayu, Nike Ardilla,Nita Tilana,etc. Seriously!]--its just, it makes me blue.Makes me wonder. Have they prepared enough?

So you know, Yusman's departure is seriously surprising. I didnt cry or anything, but after I got the news I kept on thinking the whole day about it and until today, still trying to absorb the fact that he's definitely gone,gone.

Since death is so definite, and we wont know how much time that we have with peeps that we love, that we know, and especially since we wont know how much time that we have left for ourselves....I figure..let's prepare for it. Whether u believe in life after death or not, wouldn't it be much more convinience if we know we're all packed and set for something that's waiting for us--watever that is?. Or do you think our bodies will only be eaten by worms, we're just going to end up as dirt and thats it?.

Whichever scheme u choose to believe,make sure u give as much attention to people u love, people u work with, people u happen to know, long lost friends, new friends, family because u will never know how much time u have with them.

at least u wont feel like ure missing anything.

After all, we can't stop the time from elapsing.can we?

[+]Current mood

The Week's Wrap Up

2004-10-01T11:48:00.000+07:00

Huhu, today's Friday..Me lurrveee Friday. *berseri-seri*

Been pretty lazy updating the blog since Monday, so for now, have a glimpse of this week's activities, and much more 'significant' post[s] will hopefully able to be published this weekend [/no promises though]. teehee.

Anyways, went to the opening of a Book Festival at Jakarta Convention Centre on Wednesday, I bought three books [all written by local authors]: Mahadewa-Mahadewi, Imipramine by Nova Riyanti Yusuf [whom I found out later is currently dating Amien Rais' son] and Cintapuccino by Icha Rahmanti [I'll review this book on my next post cos I think it really needs to be reviewed by ME.Teehee].

I was fasting yesterday, and it was a helluva TEST. No, it didnt mean I was suffering from lack of food and drink, it was just okay in that department. It's just there were some things that happened yesterday that was kinda pissed me off:
First the internet was down almost the whole day [which was the reason I didnt blog the damn review].
Second these texts from my mom about dad. Me and my sister believe that we need to fly him back here immediately, while his condition is quite fit for a flight. And the reason why my mom and bro haven't got the guts to actually DO IT is fucking beyond me [which is why I hardly contacted them--cos it was just frustrating to hear the excuses and listening to indecisive peeps.]

Oh, but anyways, at least I had a hearty dinner last night: chicken fajita! yum!, thanks to mi amor who took me to Ponderosa--a mexican restaurant resides at the ground floor of his office building [/ya boleh tebak^ buah manggis. dimanakah kantor lelaki saya? hehe]

Aite, that's a recap for this week. And once again let's scream Thanks God Its Friday!!!! =)

[+] Current mood

Monday Sucks

2004-09-27T15:25:00.001+07:00

Things that officially made this Monday sucks:

[+] The Trip To Police Station
So I had to go the police station on my way to the office today. To be exact, the district police station [dunno if the term is right, but its 'Polsek'=Kepolisian sektor] near my house. That was the first time I set foot in there [and i hope i wont have to go there again or in other police stations in a future]. It was small with too many cops [some of them looked real young, probably just graduated from the academy] cramped in it, so it seemed much more smaller than it already is, it has no air con [so I had to drop sweats underneath my office clothes--which is u know, a formal-thick-boring outfit that will only "work well" in aircon rooms]. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be, tho. I didnt have to wait for a long ass time [and that would be because there were not that many of people there to be served], because as soon as I spoke "Err, pak. I need to report a missing item. And I need an official letter from the police to declare that" I was escorted to the room where the police would then type the document that I needed [in a very slooow mode] and occasionally attempted to have a chat with me [/which was not really successful, since I was not in a really 'chatty mode'--what?i was hyperventilating in that crammy place]

So here's some skit from the station
The police: [/typed my name with the wrong spelling]
Me: Err not with the D, sir. Just RA, no D.
The police: [/pretended not to hear me correcting him, instead he's busy answering his walkie talkie]
Me: Kept on staring at the document. [/hell, I didnt want to have a problem later on just because he didnt type my name correctly]
The police: [/didnt seem to notice that I asked him to correct the spelling, continued typing]
Me: Err sir, my name? there is no D there before RA, just RA. Here, like what's written on my ID. *showed the police my ID*
The police:[/reluctantly deleted the D, very slooow]
>>i wish i had a courage to ask him to switch place with me, so i could type the damn document myself.

-----silence---------
[/sambil saya sibuk mengipas2 diri memakai kertas yang ada di tas]

The police : [/mention my last name].Ha.A unique name. Where u from?
Me : *mutters under breath* why do u wanna know? of course I didnt dare to say that.
so I answered him politely.
Then after minutes passed by and after a very dry joke he made to break the ice or whatever finally.. its finished!, he asked his subordinate [this young nervous looking lad] to bring the paper to be signed by his supervisor. Afterwards I asked him how much I owed him for the paper. He said "its up to you how much u want to pay"--so I gave him 10 thousands rups. I hope its decent enough. [/even tho' my bf later on said I was too cheap, I should have paid him 20 thousands]. I ofcourse didnt think its appropriate, considering he was only typing the missing item on the official template--didnt really require that much work, heh.And anyways, isnt it what they *suppose* do? to protect and to SERVE? its suppose to be free, actually. Oh well.It is Indonesia, what do I expect?]

[+] Banks
So after me done at the station, went down to the bank to report that I lost my ATM. It was quite fast--all the admin stuffs, so I get to pick my new ATM card on Thursday. Yay! come to think of it, I need a new ATM card anyways. The one that I lost, it looked dirty since I had it for a longass time.Hehehe. Anyways now that I dont have an ATM card [till Thursday], I have to actually go to the bank to withdraw money. That sucks. Considering the queue in this bank here is certainly always freaking loong. *pants*

[+] Argument with bf
Thru SMS this morning, just after I got out the station [/owkay this sounds like I been locked up and somebody has managed to bail me out hehe], on my way to the bank. Which is not certainly a fun thing to remember let alone writing it in this blog. Anyhow I think men can really be a very ignorant, selfish asshole.
Heran, saya. Tapi mungkin juga setelah terputusnya komunikasi selama 1 tahun, kita berdua harus mulai belajar kembali mengenal pribadi masing-masing, karena tampaknya banyak yang berubah dari cari pandang kita terhadap sesuatu hal.Miskomunikasi sebenarnya tidak perlu occur in a first place karena setelah dipikir^ dengan kepala yang adem, baru kemudian disadari ternyata hanya "bahasa" saja yang beda, pada dasarnya esensinya toh sama. Aneh dan menyebalkan sekali--kadang^--considering saya telah kenal dengan orang ini berabad^ lamanya [seems like it, tho]--tapi kemudian karena peristiwa yang terjadi beberapa tahun yang lalu, karakter dan cara pandang seseorang bisa jadi berubah sehingga perlu penyesuaian lagi kalau ingin suasana tenteram *phihi*. Ya, bukan hanya dia sih. Mungkin saya juga berubah. Pada dasarnya everybody will fight their own demon their own way, kan?. Yang bisa saya harapkan, semoga kita berdua bukan murid-murid bodoh. Sehingga proses pembelajaran dan pemahaman dapat dilalui dengan lebih baik dan mulus. [ including kalo nanti berumah tangga *ciyeh*] Amienn!.

[+] Terrible Lunch
Euwh. If I didnt have to, I wouldnt wanna spend my money in that restaurant for a crappy lunch they gave me. But then, since it was the only place near the bank, so. Heh.

//Weekends flashback.
Went pretty alright. Spent Saturday morning till afternoon at ATR--checking out the new place also to meet up with the newly wed [who just got back from Thailand] and other friends. About the place, it was rather small for 400 mil [plus 50 mil for renovation]--with a price like that we can get a comfy two story house with a comfy yard somewhere in suburban J-town. Hell, but, noo, enough with the suburbian life. It's time to go down town. No more unnecessary hours spent in traffic freakin jam!. Also we'll have much more benefits by living in a apt: the facilities. We'll get ourselves the swimming pool, the gym, the tennis court, the basketball court, the mini markets!.And even the hospital and other supermarkets are just next door. So, its pretty exciting. Oh we then decided to go to this massage place in Mall Ambassador--where me and my friends wife had a 1 hour aromatherapy reflexology massage. The guys didnt get a chance to have a massage since the place was crowded even if they insisted their turn would be like after 6 PM so they decided to look for DVDs instead. So the girls got the privilege! it was nicee.On Sunday, went to NewsStand [the second hand books/magazines store] at Pasar Festival. I bought some interior design magazines and IKEA [wuaa, pengen nangis liat barang^nya IKEA, bagus2 banget siy] --and when I was about to pay, that was when I found out my ATM card was not in its respectable place: my wallet.Stunned for like 5 mins, I was kinda trembling when I handed them my other card/credit card--which they claimed 'expired', fuck. I must have got confused I didnt give them the right one, so finally the payment's settled after I handed them the other card. Still freaking confused [mind you, I never lost any card before, especially any card/document related with financial matters] I then called the bank's hotline service, and blocked the card [the banks officer informed me there was a 3 times attempt to use my card but failed. HAH *relieves*], hence, the story above.

Oh btw, can anyone hear the background music I added on this blog and on the site? [the front one/the face]?

I can hear them very clearly, also my friends background music on their blogs. But turned out some peeps told me they cant hear the goddamn music. Whats wrong? I dont think theres a special software for that. I thought it'd only need a sound card and a speaker to hear any kinda sound? *confused*

Anyways, the song for the blog is from this band which I listen a lot these days:

For those of u who can hear The Swiss Army Romance song from Dashboard Confessional that I put on this blog: Don't u just loove it how Chris' voice recedes the guitar intro while the constant guitar riffs follows? the melody really kicks ass and it gets faster and faster at the end since Chris also puts a lil staccato to finish the song. Sucha perfect blend.The lyrics is awesome and to top it all of Chris Carraba's voice has managed to put the soul in this song. Gosh, me never got tired of it.

And for the site's face [or front], I put the song from my all time's fave band:

with their song from Disintegration's album : Pictures Of You. [and no, the pic above aint the cover of that album. Its their greatest hits' cover]

To those of you who does not really familiar with the song, u can always find bits of this song from this cellphone's TV commercial [or is it Kodak's?].

Anyways, I gotta go back home now. It's almost raining.

BTW, the blogger went kaput on me. F-U-C-K, i lost half of my post, and when i was done retyping, the one that finally got published was my 1st post. What else can be more fucked up than that?fuck.
dont u just hate it when technology is acting up on you? Grrrrr.

[+]Current mood
[+] Current song: The Swiss Army Romance from Dashboard Confessional

To Vote Or Not To Vote

2004-09-24T11:13:00.000+07:00

I'm one of those people who vote.Ever since I'm eligible to vote, I voted for this country [no, not the one on the left picture].

I don't know maybe I was raised like that. That we have to be able to make a decision no matter how hard it is.When it comes to an election, even when we dont favor the candidates, still we have to be able to choose. Since whether we vote or not, there should be someone to run the country, whether u admit it or not, we do need the leader.

And four days ago, we had been given a chance to choose our leader. It was the first presidential election ever in Indonesia. Remember years years back when election was just another never-ending scheme to secure Soeharto's throne for like what...oh just 32 years, people.
Remember that time when everybody was forced to vote for the 'yellow party: Golkar'?.

"If you didnt vote for Golkar, we won't guarantee that u'll still have ur job tomorrow", "You should encourage peeps to vote for Golkar, I'll make u minister/governor/mayor/head of village/head of subdisctrict/etc.. after the election, or u can sit in that position forever"---ring a bell? threats.

Democracy was a lip service:
Harmoko/Soeharto/other then-government officials: "Oh, we're a democratic country. We don't mind our people to criticize us"
Yeah right. Go and talk "trash" about the regime, u can bet ur ass the snipers will pay u a visit.

Remember the time when ur mouth was sealed, ur tongue was paralyzed, ure ashamed to admit that u're afraid to speak the truth?[bahkan di tahun 1998 ayah saya ketakutan ketika saya berniat menaikkan bendera setengah tiang di rumah ketika Soeharto sudah 'turun tahta' dan beberapa mahasiswa tertembak. "Jangan,D, ntar kita ditangkep polisi" Me: "Huh?"]
Remember the time when some peeps were proud to say that they're in "Cendana's link" or "this certain high official's link" so they have privileges in almost[or all?] every places in the country?
Oh yes, I still remember those days clearly. Cos I happened to have a friend who once dated one of those "cendana's link" spoiledbrats--and hell, his name was magic. The law was bent over thousands times everytime they were mentioning his name or his dad's name or his uncle's name--whatever.

So now, after the reform era, after the people movement [trigerred by the college student demonstrations] which finally thrown soeharto off his throne in 1998 [Man, it's still fresh in my mind]--people are complaining cos the reform era don't give them nothing. Oh yes, yes sure. Nothing. Just our freedom of speech so we can voice our mind without being afraid to get locked up. Hm, that's not really important, is it? Whiners.

Yes, we still have problems. Lots and lots and lots problems are still lingering to be solved.Yes, reformasi kadang kebablasan, yes malah makin banyak raja-raja kecil di daerah, makin banyak oportunis, keamanan rada gonjang ganjing --but what do u expect? that Indonesia will change 180 degree after only what, 6 years? .
The nation is mentally and morally corrupted. We're becoming fucking morons who don't know how to manage and clean up the mess being piled up for 32 years and being inherited to us--[no] thanks to Soeharto's regime.

Gosh, we're still learning to actually walk again, for cryin' out loud.

So that's why the way some people are saying that Soeharto's regime was better, curse 1998's reform and talk about the "good old days" when they felt more secured is fucking beyond me. Define security. Heh.

Haven't they wondered why 1998's reform has happened? there wouldn't have been any reformation in any way should the situation and condition at that time was prosperous and secured. People knew there was something terribly wrong in the government and people knew they'd been treated unfairly. So now, after everything's changed-- they complain?

NOW, BACK TO WHERE I SHOULD STOP BLABBERING AND GET TO MY POINT ABOUT THE CURRENT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

Teehee. Sowee, a bit emotional here. So my point is. Now, u'd been giving a chance to actually use ur right as a citizen and vote for the leader of ur choice for the next 5 years. U had ur chance to finally voice ur decision without being afraid and fear that it might jeopardize ur career/family/whatever.
U'd been giving a chance to be a part of the [trying hard to be] transparant, fair and direct election. First time ever. No threats.
But then, u chosen to be GOLPUT [non-voters]. What the fuuuck??? yes yes, it is a choice, I know. But don't u think it's wise?

Based on what I observed, here are the reasons why they chosen to be Golput:

[+] Their candidates didn't make it to second round.
>> Oh, so the fuck what? my candidates didn't make it to second round, either. But hey, it is not just about the one-person/character thingy right? It's for the sake of the whole nation. When u come to the point where u gotta choose the leader out of the two provided options and none of them is ur candidates.Be a sport. Choose the one that u really think will be able to run the government better than the current. Quit being childish for the nation sakes. Heh.

[+] None of the candidates are qualified
>>And you are what? an expert to be able to come to that conclusion?. Heh.
Anyways, aite, I know peeps are still very much traumatic over military peeps. And SBY seems to have "TNI words" written all over his face also considering the [almost] all members of his success team are an ex-military.While Megawati, well most peeps are very much disappointed by her 3 years leadership and also afraid of her "koalisi kebangsaan" which filled with an ex soeharto's regime peeps.
So based on those reasons, in order to not let both of them run the country, they all decided to become a GOLPUT people. Yeah right, like it would stop the election, stop the peeps from voting, stop a person to become a President of RI, stop the suffering in Ethiopia. Hell, u just lost ur voice down the gutter for NU-THIN. Talkin bout being indecisive. Ha.

[+] Simply lazy and apathetic.
Errr actually. Me lost for words for this kind of people.

Anyways, who the hell that I gave my vote to 4 days ago?
well. Even tho' this person is not my candidate [to be honest, I'm also quite afraid of this person's background] But I was trying to be objective and voted this person based on these positive things this person has:
Intelligence, Calm/cool charater, Wisdom, Charisma, Discipline/Firm, Responsiveness, Applicable platforms [his programs for the country] .

So my vote went to:

This smiling general below [oh noo, not another smiling general! *shivers*]

Well, don't think of something that does not exist yet, people. Who knows, his military background would come in handy--especially more and more crimes occurred these days. Maybe this country actually needs this kind of figure. Check out our neighbor Malaysia. Mahathir received loadsa criticisms for being a somewhat 'dictator'--but hey. Look at their country now. Decreasing number of corruptors, no 'string attached' with bloodsucking western countries=independent,great law enforcement, the economy's growing, the education system is way much better [can u imagine in the 70s and 80s they actually sent the barrage of people to study here?and now the other way around]. So maybe Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono capable to do SOMETHIN like that for the country? *crossing fingers*.

And if he's not capable, we can always impeach him, can't we? Man, Indonesians mindset are somewhat shifted now. We are now much more enlightened and critical, so don't be TOO afraid.I don't think he would underestimate Indonesians "brains", especially after being elected in this country's 'historical' event [first ever presidential election]. He knows the situation, and I doubt that he would risk his ass that easily by messing with "us peeps".
Altho' I admit, he has a very strategic mind [well, he did learn military&political strategy, D! duh!] that could be deadly if he uses it for all the wrong reasons. But well, Bismillah, semoga dia tidak seperti itu. semoga dia bisa dapat menjadi lebih bijaksana dan dapat memimpin bangsa ini dengan lebih baik. Amin Amin Ya Rabbil Alaamiin.

Oh, and what happened to Ibu?

Ooopss sorry Ibu. Turned out, you have to be rolled down somewhere down the road....

*background voice: "Seorang Ibu tidak akan pernah meninggalkan anak-anaknya"*
[/tapi ibu Megawati..tolong urus anak-anakmu pencinta vandalisme dan kelihatannya kurang kasih sayang itu? sekarang mereka sudah mulai bunuh-bunuhan antar saudara karena berebut kursi caleg, ibu...coba mohon dididik dulu!]

Anyways Ibu, now that we're almost 100% certain that SBY is going to be the next president... u gotta go..u gotta go....

-----
+/Current mood:
+/Current song: Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

A Certified Procrastinator

2004-09-22T17:07:00.000+07:00

The real bad habit that I have is being a freakin procrastinator. Today I was truly intended to write my 2 cents about the election, the same plan I had yesterday, and now its already time to go home, I still haven't got anything to publish regarding the certain matter [eventho I really have so much things in mind about it, but heh, kenapa ya saya malah browsing^ frenster saya dan amazed karena ketemu dengan adik temen yang dulunya kecil,lucu,bandel,berlari2 dengan celana pendek dan tidak terperhatikan..eeh sekarang sudah berumur 22 tahun, ganteng pula.This new invention really makes me feel "Gosh? am I THAT old? *sighs*]

Other stuffs that I keep on lingering [while the time is actually kinda running out *shivers*], eventho' I made thousands promises in my mind that I'd do it:

[+] Personal budgeting for April.
Baru mikirin aja udah bikin stres, gimana nge-draftnya?. I really feel alone and clueless, and it's not just the feeling, no. The fact is, I AM alone in the house. It's not their faults no, its just this plan seems to burst in the not-so-very-right time. [considering what happened to dad and all]
But hey, this weekend it should be ready for further discussion with related parties! [/yeah yeah promises promises, D]

[+] Dad's Financial Matters
This part is really..how should I say it? heh. I couldnt even find the word to describe my feeling when it comes to this 'duty'. But I know mom depends on me on this. I just hate to imagine that I have to call up all of his banks, asking information regarding the datas, transferring this and that, filling in [& out] 'unfriendly' forms and explain to different officers of his current condition that makes him incapable to doing it himself. Will they be lenient? or will they be cold? Will they be helpful or should I actually raise my voice in order to get them comprehend of the situation?
*sighs* I feel like I'm trespassing his privacy, and eventho' it is something that I have to do, for his sake also--but hrrrgh.
Can I just wish to God that he'll be 100% alright again and do those things by himself? cepet sembuh, ya, pap.

Well, well, I know I'll get things done in time [like usual]--but hell, it'll be more easier if I didnt have this fuckin 'need' to procrastinate.

=Side Note=

Today, everybody seemed surprise with the fact that me wearing skirt and wearing a bit 'obvious' makeup. [regular style: pants, pants, pants and make up"basa basi"].
Obviously, no matter how advance the technology this world has, how modern peeps are, how very thin line between men and women nowadays, how very 21 goddamn century we are in now...the world still expects women to be girly. teehee.
Not that anything's wrong with that..but as usual, I don't take 'sudden mass compliments' easily--I was actually thinking "dang, I must have looked like a goddamn car-wrecked before, a lil touch up can do wonders--peeps are actually freakin' excited with the look".phihi.

Anyhoo, just so I won't forget to look 'girly' again in a future, I'd have to write down acknowledgement to stuffs that caused me today's look.

//Make up:
Revlon's whitening moisturizer, Shiseido compact foundation, Maybelline's lash expansion-mascara, Beautylife eyebrow pencil [brown],L'oreal Glam Shine Sorbet Lipstick[strawberry], Marks&Spencers eyeshadow [light blue] and non-branded blush on.
>>note: thanks momomci who just got me shiseido/maybelline/l'oreal from his recent trip to Singapore. I'll pay you back after gajian ya.mwah,mwah.hehehe.

//Outfit:
Black U2 cardigan over my white short-sleeves shirt, black skirt which has this print like one of those scotland's quilt, sling back black shoes and black bracelet.

//Hairstyle:
FUCKIN MESSY. thanks to that salon from hell, I am now having an eternal bad-hair-day. Now I'll never leave home without hairband alias iket rambut yg mengikat rambutku yang cungkring kesana kemari*kesel*. rebonding lagi aja gitu? heheh.

Aite. Me done, now. I'll write about SBY tomorrowww. Jeez. *cengengesan*

---
+/current mood

For The Mushy Fellas

2004-09-21T09:31:00.001+07:00

Was gonna write something about the election day, but stumbled on this article, and figured 'hey maybe i'll post this one first for the mushy fellas' ^_^

So 'may all the cheesy and mushy fellas around the world nod their heads in the oh-this-is-so-true kinda mode and don't forget to say aaaah..' hehehe

When you think of your past love, you may view it
as a failure.

But when you find a new love, you view the past as
a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn't really
matter who won or who lost.

What is important is you know when to hold on
and when to let go ! You know you really love
someone when you want him or her to be happy,
even if their happiness means that you're not part
of it. Everything happens for the best. If the person
you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to
love someone else again, for you'll never know
unless you give it a try. You'll never love a person
you love unless you risk for love.

Love strives is hurting. If you don't get hurt, you
don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt at all the
time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to
help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you.
That's why it's called falling in love because you
don't force yourself to fall. You just fall. You can not
finish the book without closing it's chapters. If you
want to go on, then you have to leave the past as
you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a
single failure or won by a single caress. It is a
lifetime venture in which we are always learning,
discovering and growing.

The greatest irony of love is letting go when you
need to hold on and holding on when you need to
let go. We lose someone we love only when we
are destined to find someone else who can love
us even
more than we can love ourselves. On falling out of
love, take some time to heal and then get back on
the horse. But don't ever make the same mistake
of riding the same one that threw you the first time.

To love is to risk rejections, to love is to risk dying,
to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken
because the greatest hazard in life is risk
nothing ! To reach for another is to risk
involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose
true love ; fall but do not stumble, be constant but
not too persistent, share and ever be
unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but
never keep the pain.

Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can
carve wonderful image into the soul that always
last for a lifetime. Love supposed to be the most
wonderful feeling. It sould inspire you and give you
joy can also hurt you in the end.

Loving people many giving them the freedom who
they choose to be and where they choose to be.
For all the heartaches and the tears,
for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should
give thanks, for you know, that there were the
things that helped you grow. Loving someone
means giving him or her the freedom to find his or
her way, whether it leads towards you or away
from you.

Love is painful risk to take but the risk must be
taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then
you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that
is love. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with
desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you
cry and only love knows why.

If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take
the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then
you're not ready to fall in love. There was a time in
our lives when we became afraid to fall in love coz
every time we do, we get hurt, then I figure that's
why it's called falling in love.

When you decide to love, allow it to grow. When
you promise to love, refuse to let it die.

---
I feel

There's A Reason Why You Say 'STOP'

2004-09-19T20:54:00.000+07:00

Bener kan? Kaya misalnya lo lari^ nih, terus cape, pastinya lo akan stop alias berhenti untuk istirahat,untuk ngaso, untuk minum. Lo dicopet orang, terus copetnya lari, reaksi pertama pastinya pengen teriak ‘stop copett’ [/or maybe not. copet kan temennya banyak, ntar gw ditusuk lagi kalo berani gerakin ujung bibir biar dikit juga] anyways, back to the topic. Ya itu alesan kenapa kata ‘stop’ diciptakan.

Agar terjadi suatu kondisi dimana kita dapat menghentikan sesuatu. Entah itu sudah terjadi, sedang berlangsung atau akan berlangsung.

Stop sayang sekali tidak dapat digunakan kepada waktu dan kematian. Dua hal itu adalah kepastian yang hakiki. Waktu akan terus berjalan, menambah umur kita yang berarti juga mengurangi masa hidup di dunia. Kematian akan pasti datang, yang berarti kita tidak bisa menawar kepada malaikat maut “Err, boleh gak jemputnya besok aja? Ato bulan depan deh, soalnya minggu-minggu depan kantor saya akan merger jadi…” [/seperti iklan MTV jaman dulu, dimana si ABG berusaha mengulur waktu kepada malaikat maut yang datang menjemput dan memintanya datang setelah acara MTV selesai, which is not gonna happen karena MTV is 24 hour nonstop. Sucha creative kickass add.] Lho kok jadi blabbering lagi? OK lanjuut..

Tapi untuk hal-hal lain yang lebih berbau duniawi, kata stop untungnya bisa digunakan. Stop Narkoba, Stop Violence, Stop Terrorism, Stop Pembajakan, blah blah, u name it.

Karena itu, seharusnya setiap orang yang sudah pernah mengatakan kata stop, harus konsekuen. Kalo memang ingin berhenti, ya benar-benar berhenti. Jangan beri ruang gerak dimana stop itu bisa jadi koma, jadi tanda tanya, jadi titik koma atau titik titik yang panjaang sekali, apapun itu namanya yang membuat kata stop itu sendiri menjadi kehilangan arti. Berhenti.

Gue sebenernya orang yang [most of the time] konsekuen. Tapi ada sesuatu hal yang terjadi kepada gue hari ini yang menyebabkan gue jadi bertanya-tanya pada diri sendiri. Apakah gue sudah jadi orang yang benar-benar konsekuen? Atau masih juga selfish? Atau masih juga foolish?Atau masih juga mengkomakan titik, menandatanyakannya, menitik-nitik panjangkannya?

Gue sekarang telah berada di satu stage dimana gue sudah tau apa yang akan gue jalani, gue sudah hampir berada di right track, I’m getting there, karena itu gue tau apa yang akan terjadi apabila gue tidak konsekuen. God forbid. Gue tidak mau terjatuh lagi.Gue rasa gue sekarang berada dalam kondisi dimana kemungkinan besarnya gue [akhirnya] bisa merasakan bahagia yang sederhana saja. Yang tidak seperti 100% ada di benak terdalam, tapi dalam bentuk yang lebih bijaksana. Lebih dewasa.

Seperti yang gue tulis diatas, ada alasan kenapa orang mengatakan stop. Gue juga, gue punya alasan besar dan tepat untuk berkata stop. Gue yakin keputusan gue adalah keputusan terbijak yang keluar dari otak yang kadang bisa sangat tolol ini. Gue tidak bermaksud mencari pembenaran, tapi adalah sangat susah untuk menghentikan sesuatu yang tidak berwujud bukan? Menghentikan sesuatu yang tidak berbau, yang tidak berasa. Seperti chloroform yang disemprotkan ke hidung, membius. Hilang kesadaran, tidak tentu. Bagaimana menghentikan sesuatu apabila elo bahkan tidak berdaya untuk berdiri tegak?

Gue merasa bersalah, kepada semua orang. Karena ketololan gue, gue menghancurkan banyak hidup. Gue merusak harapan dan rasa percaya diri manusia-manusia lain. Gue tanpa sadar menciptakan monster-monster yang menjalani dunia ini dengan caranya masing-masing setelah kerusakan yang gue lakukan, dan God knows, apakah cara itu acceptable atau tidak. Seandainya tidak acceptable seandainya cara itu merusak orang lain, gue juga akan terikut berdosa, karena gue awal penyebabnya.

Karena gue gak mau berhenti. Karena gue tidak peduli dengan kata stop, dengan tanda titik. Karena gue selfish. Gue serakah.

Do you believe in karma? *sighs*

And oh, btw. There’s a reason why this post is in Bahasa, unlike the previous. Karena gue tidak mau mengkomakan titik itu lagi.

I feel

Personality Tests

2004-09-16T17:10:00.000+07:00

Been taking tests from the net. The accuracy ain't 100%-I think-but it rings a bell in some area ;-)

Anyways, here they are.

free enneagram test

Type Six :The Loyalist

The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Another test:

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (63%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, unemotional but possibly too unobservant of your feelings.
Orderliness (60%) moderately high which suggests you are organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but possibly not very spontaneous and fun.
Extraversion (40%) moderately low which suggests you are quiet, introverted, and aloof.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well. It says for best results, I shouldn't just take one shot. But hey, me too lazy to retake the test, so big deal. The results are quite satisfying anyways [/made me sound like a somewhat coolass person whaha]

Still I think it has failed to fully d-i-s-c-o-v-e-r the mysterious madame daydreamer [/geez me sound like a pimp] but anyhow, it's quite fun. Enjoy the tests!

I feel

The Love Post

2004-09-16T11:14:00.000+07:00

Nay. If u expect me to become real mushy in here, well, too bad! It ain't gonna happen =p

It's just, I was just browsing, and found this piece. It's about love, and after I read it, I think I figured out something that I'd been questioning for sometime. Nice, nice.

Maybe there's a hope. Maybe I can depend on love, and maybe it's not a far-fetched thing afterall.

Here it is:

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001)

Tears For Fears

2004-09-10T10:34:00.000+07:00

This is going to be a short post, just to express my anger towards the current dreadful bomblast in front of Australian Embassy yesterday (September 9, 2004) . Once again, we have to witness the loss of lives & sufferings inflicted by the most cowardly people living (or not) on this planet.

At this moment I'm really ashamed and disgusted to be in the same place with the fuckin coward terrorists. To breathe the same air with them. Low lives. What were they thinking? Why did they kill their own brothers and sisters? Orang-orang kecil, orang-orang yang tidak tahu apa-apa?. Jahat. Biadab.

And I'd be more enraged if in the next few days I read or hear some peeps claim that this is something to do with Islam, or some other peeps think this is the kind of thing that Islam wants--that this is the 'noble' thing to do, that this is 'jihad'--a courageous act, blah blah.

Sure you need to use your brain before interpreting anything, dumbos. Islam is a religion of peace--It does not urge people to kill other people, especially innocent ones. It does not encourage people to hate.
Don't use 'jihad' to justify ur other motives, jerks. Learn more about Islam's philosophy, understand the meaning of jihad first before u start to think that jihad is strapping bombs around ur body or crash ur bomb-loaded car somewhere and kill innocent people. U foolish son of a bitch.

To the spectators, leave religion out of this. This is politic. A rotten, stinky, bad politic. Filthy.

Fuck. Living in J-town is life-threatening.And to think, next year I'll most probably move to Apartment Rasuna @_@

Rasuna Said Street-Jakarta with the firemen and their trucks, after the bomb blast.

Australian Embassy Jakarta after the tragedy.

A police car in front of the embassy, totally wrecked.

Body of a victim on the street, was being examined by the police.

Police were sweeping bystanders out of the crime scene.

Some career women got injured from broken,flying glasses.

Oh and by the way, Ibu Megawati. 3 (or is it 4) bombings under your leadership? What? you think this is some kind of fiesta that we have to face every year since 2000?

You are surely going down, woman.

Rock and roll

2004-08-27T15:21:00.000+07:00

This is all started when i had lunch today at this certain foodcourt with my colleague. there's a new addition to the foodcourt, a guy and his guitar singing at the centre of the place. at first i thought he's one of those street musicians [pengamen,bo], kinda surprised they let him in to the mall. i didnt see him at first, just listening to the old songs that he played--and i was actually looking for some change in my pocket anticipating if his crew started to approach every table and asked for recehan [karena berasa di bis-bis kota aja yeuh]. I then realized that he's actually paid to be there by the management after he stopped singing and some peeps from the mall's management [i think] were busy preparing a mic and some amps to enhance his performance [he previously didnt use a mic]. Its kinda sad cos they only provided him with cheap quality mike,amps--poor poor sound. [hell, i remember those days when i was still in a band, it was exasperating if i had to sing with one of those cheap quality mics.really ruin ur mood.]

anyways, he finally managed to let his voice got heard by the whole room, me and my colleague kept on eating our food, but we started to pay attention to the songs that he sang.
Old songs like 'country road', 'i know how u love me'[i dont even know if thats the right title, hehe], everly brother's. we started to analyzing his voice [which is quite ok], his taste of music ['i think he needs to update his music.' 'yeah he got stuck somewhere in the 70s-80s'], blah blah. its actually kinda fun listening to him, cos it makes me realize on the scale of 1 to 10, my mushy and cheesy *moments* can be 8, since I found myself singing along when he sang the mushiest song from the 80s 'nothing's gonna change my love for you' from george benson *slaps forehead* [my big sis-lady of the 80s would be proud of me- hehe]

So he then realized that we paid attention to him cos we're the only ones who gave an applause after he stopped singing. Damn, Indonesians [YES, my own fellowmen]--the appreciation level is pretty low.I mean, how hard it is to clap ur hands and let him know that u appreciate him? what if they were in that guy's position, feeling awkward and kinda nervous [i think its his first "professional gig"] amongst bunch of hungry peeps who just glanced at him occasionally and continued to eat and chat as if he didnt even exist. The dude needs a fuckin ego boosting for crying out loud! Anyways, since he realized we paid attention, he started to 'advance' his songs to the 90s.It's so surprising to hear 'Everything I do I do It For You' from Bryan Adams again after what, 13 years?--my, it's been THAT long?, haha, reminded me of my ex, cos he was playing in some school drama which 'soundtrack' was that song. hehe, crappy drama.

Anyway. This post is an appreciation post to those unknown musicians out there. Those who just learned to play guitar, those who started their first piano lessons, those in the streets and buses [ones who seriously play, tho], those who just formed the bands, those who are gonna form a band, those who will have their first gigs, those who just had their first gigs, those who are now in the studio recording their first debuts...and those who just love to play music nomatter what.

Thank you for the spirit that you transformed thru music. I backed off from music to do something more "rational" according to my family and society, so it got me going down the memory lanes everytime I caught some gigs [amateur or professional]. Yes sometimes I miss the studios, the amps, the mics, the guitars, the effects, the stages and the crowd. But here I am now. This is my fate.

But to you guys who still have sweat ambitions and dreams in music, rock and roll, fellas. rock and roll. \m/
----
I feel

When You're Sick

2004-08-19T14:04:00.000+07:00

I hate flu. Really. *snots*

Actually since a week ago, I noticed that I might be coming down on something, not a flu [since well, i didnt have a runny nose yet]but well, let's just say, I wasnt in a good shape, I got tired easily, headache, nauseous--and it took a lot of effort to get up in a morning [well, actually the last part is just my excuse of being a lazy bum, sick or no sick--the 'should i wake or should i go back to sleep'questions has always been my morning ritual]--but I thought by taking some vitamins would keep me away from this fuckin miserable sore throat, the feeling of drowning [feels like there's gallons of water inside my head now] and not to mention this awful pain on my bones. I'm a walking grandma. *sighs*

Peeps have been nice, the guys have been offering me mints from fisherman friends to pepsodent [this is new, i didnt know that 'odol' has something that u can actually eat!] and i also bought a cheap one like relaxa--but it's only relaxing the throbbing in my throat for a while, after im done with it, it went ballistic all over again. I only fuckin need to go back home and rest my freakin head to my pillow. *stares at the clock, it's far from 5 PM*

Maybe I caught the virus from my bf, plus this coupla weeks been working late, eating carelessly, and too tired. maybe cos im not a healthy person afterall [i always get a flu/cold at least once a year].maybe this is a sign for me to really change my lifestyle. Nomore 'fogging', nomore instant noodle, always eat healthy food, always eat fruits and vegetables and regularly working out.

But then again, I know myself too well. I might ponder of the image of me as a healthy-in order person when I'm sick and helpless like this, but when I'm in my OK state of health, I'll continue my messy habit and the history will repeat itself.

The Cure For Flu

These are things that would make me comfy whenever I catch a cold/flu. These has been my favourite 'flu treatment' for years of experiencing flu. it works fine,so maybe it'd work out for you too.

1. Hot tea
I loove tea. Hot tea in a morning or whenever im not feeling well, ice tea for lunch or when i get real thirsty. but since this is all about flu, then let's just focus on hot tea.i dont know maybe its just me, but it feels so right after drinking a cup of hot tea, it soothes me just fine, very relaxing, reducing itches and sores in my throat. keep me warm.

2.Mint
any kind of mint. loadsa loadsa mints i can never get enough.

3.Minyak Kayu Putih
hm,i dont know if there's a term for this in english. But its like vicks vaporub, u know, only this one is an oil.i usually smear this on my chest at night before i go to bed.or simply inhale it to relieve my snotty nose.

4. Decolgen
I dont know, this has been my family choice of med so i dont drink other brand for flu/cold.sometimes panadol tho, if i had a fever.when I was in the States, i had this liquid medicine [u drink it instead of swallowing it], and it worked marvelously. i forgot the brand--but it really cures ur sore throat. after u drink a cup of that thing, voila, the sore throat instantly disappears. no kidding. but i think they put some anti-biotics in it. so, no wonder.too bad we dont have that kind in here.

5.Full-covered body
I'm very pathetic when it comes to flu, cos i get cold easily. even in a hot atmosphere of Jakarta, i can still be shivering like a duck who got caught in the rain. so im usually wearing long pants/track pants, sweatshirt and wrap myself in a thick fluffy blanket at night [of course after i drink my loving hot tea]. well, i'll sweat like a pig in a morning, but hey, at least no more fever! [so thats why i dont believe in turning ur AC to the coldest degree to overcome fever--begitulah yg sering diterapkan di hospital2..untung gue gak pernah diopname!tambah mampus aja gw kali ye..]

oh btw, too much instant noodle is not good for ur health, but when it comes to flu, eating instant noodle and then sipping the last drip of its sauce, taste...ummm heaven.hehe.

now im really starting to get dizzy, so i better run.

I NEED TO CRASH. and a hot tea, of course.

----

I feel

Approaching Week End

2004-08-13T11:29:00.000+07:00

This has been a loong week, me so exhausted.

Highlights of this week:

1. Appraisal on Wednesday [job performance review after 1 year of employment]
It went nice, we had this junk-food lunch while my boss was checking the appraisal form that I filled out beforehand.
Here're the 'praises':
People in our division have different strengths.Some are more strategic thinking, the other are more creative. I've been observing you, you have both. you're strategic and also creative. You are an all-round kind of person, I see a lot of potentials in you that you can contribute to the company. Your account management and writing skill are good and up to the standard, and there's always a room for much more better quality.

Here're the critics:
Of course, people can not be strong in every area, you have your weakness too in terms of: administration! [this means: kerapian dalam mematuhi writing style book yg berisi template2 kantor!]--I personally more concern on the content, but this office needs their employee to do things according to their S.O.P, so you need to pay more attention to that. [comment:yak, saya setuju.saya memang tidak rapi!haha,dengan strictnya kantor gw terhadap setiap document2 yang keluar, bukan hanya isi yang harus "jenius" tapi juga 'packaging': font harus segini, header footer segini, bulletpoints model begini,titik koma, italic,bold..dan gw yang ceroboh ini harus selalu merelakan diri untuk dicerewetin ama editor2 bule yang merasa gw suka bikin template sendiri hihihi]

The future:
My boss told me that she wants me to be involved more in client's training, as a trainer.I personally think this is a good idea, since I can always use a new challenge. Otherwise, well. *smirks*

The Question:
Since she was in hurry, she was telling me that she'll compare the appraisal form which i filled with what she filled--and will tell me the result. So since it was sucha short time, I didnt have a chance to ask anything related to the appraisal. Like, the most important things: "will i get a raise? and the possibility of a promotion?" *ahem* Damn, i need to follow up these!

2. Another stroke
I'm beginning to think that 'stroke' is the trendiest health problem this year. This week I got a call from my former colleague's daughter, informing me that her mom just had a stroke and already survived a surgery. So there I went to Pondok Indah hospital after office hour, with this mixed feelings, since man, my dad also got stroke last month, and ICU has been the designated spot for me and my family--so well, u do the math. It's an awful feeling to go that kinda place again to see another 'victim' of stroke. She was doing alright, altho' she seemed lost some memories, well yes, its pretty understandable, bayangin aja kepala yang diobok2, bo. Hanya ada sedikit rasa hmm apa ya, sedih. Kalo aja dulu bokap bisa ditanganin lebih cepet, mungkin kondisinya bisa sebagus ibu Liz (btw, that's the name of my former colleague). Tapi, ya, mungkin Allah punya rencana lain ya.

3. A job offer
My ex boss called me [when I was in the middle of my review] offered a job. but well, since it's still in PR firm, I'm not really interested. Apalagi calon bos gw, ibu Madeline itu [yang juga ex kantor gw sekarang] dan ex Ogilvy, well, let's just say she's very ultimately annoyingly intimidating. Dan gue engga sure I'm up to that kinda boss. @_@

4. The fight
I had a fight with my bf, and now we're not really in a 'speaking term'. *ponders*--should i call? ah, gak usah ah.ntar ajaw kaliw yaw.

5. The Pursue Of 'Virgin Suicides'
Menyebalkan sekali. Janjian ama Putaw the sunshine di Ratplaz, terus kita bersama2 ke the far-away land, Kelapa Gading--karena menurut ibu pecinta DVD itu, hanya Mall Kelapa Gading lah yang memiliki Virgin Suicides--ternyataaa..*melirik ke putaw dgn penuh kejutekan* Mana Kelapa Gading jauuh banget--gue tetep gak dapet virgin suicides! *pants pants*. I ended up buying: lock stock and two smoking barrells, spun, silence of the lambs, eternal sunshine, IQ and this war movie: Amen. But...at least it was nice seeing that insane mom, since we haven't seen each other in quite a long time, been communicating thru' phone and well, internet.hehe.

6. Me and Amien Rais
Aside from Megawati Soekarnoputri, Akbar Tandjung, Hari Sabarno and all of those high-level officials that coming to my client's office this morning to celebrate its b-day, there's this 60 year old man, Amien Rais. Well, blame me for being one of those college students in 98-99 who joined the rest of the crowd to overthrone Soeharto, I still had this admiration towards him for his part back then--so well...walopun banyak yang bilang dia big mouth,mencla mencle and what have yous--tapi karena tadi kita berada di acara yang sama--so I decided to take a pic with him! wuahahaha. [ntar kalo gw dah bisa upload foto, mo gw upload disini hiehie]

7. The trip
I'll be visiting dad this weekend--so be hop on a plane tomorrow, be back on Tuesday.
The blog will be updated..yaaa REBO minggu depan, hopefully.

Oh yeah. I just had a very delicious tumpeng, courtesy of constitutional court and their funny, friendly judges [well, they're only friendly outside the hearings tho, heheh.]. ahaha, those old dudes were exchanging poems..sooo hilarious. anyways, Selamat Ulang Tahun, Mahkamah Konstitusi.

Huah. Thats it. Be seeing you next week. Till then..have a great fuckin weekend! =)

---

I feel

When A Girl Wants To Be Alone

2004-08-10T09:56:00.000+07:00

So I spent last weekend alone, and after bumming around the house on Saturday and gotten sick of teaching my new maid on how to *correctly* place the spoon,fork and knife on the table,how to *correctly* mop the floor and how to actually 'follow my mom's cleanliness rules' I decided to go out on Sunday.

I like spending time only by myself.Even when im in a relationship, there'll be time when I pause from the "you-and-me-should-always-spend-time-together moment" and just be with my ownself.Its so relaxing that you can actually spend the rest of the day going to places that you need not to compromise first cos hey, it's your show. You wont feel guilty to spend half of the day indulging yourself in some salon/spa or lingering in some accessories shops or places that you know your bf would think thousands times to set foot in there. IF you have a bf who always i repeat ALWAYS happy to accompany you every where, including to all the girlie places... Becareful. Either he's gay or matre [he doesnt mind takin you to all of those places as long as you pay.].hehehe. ^-^

Anyways,I dont think there's anything weird with my 'habit',what's wrong in walking by yourself at the mall, stop by at Starbucks to have a mochafrap while reading a page-turner book that you havent done reading, try out some cool shoes that sit on the display and then buy ONE movie ticket cos you feel like watching a cheesy romantic comedy flick? Nothing.Nothing's wrong with that.
But maybe for some [or most?] peeps in here, it's weird to see a girl walking around/drinking/sitting/eating by herself. I know it, cos I feel the stares or some weird glances from some peeps whenever I did some of the above activities. its like i can guess things that are going on their minds when they kinda raise their eyebrows and secretly exchange looks with their partners: 'kesian banget ya cewe ini ndak punya pacar', 'iseng banget sih ni cewe baca buku di cafe?sok bule deh', 'ih ni cewe jangan2 lagi nunggu oom-oom!', 'kita beruntung ya bisa jalan berdua, engga kaya dia tuh bengong aja sendirian','ih aneh banget nonton film sendirian,ntar ngobrolnya sama sapa ya?''aduh mbak, sendirian aja.mau gak saya temenin?'

Although, there are some peeps that are educated enough to understand, that first its not their business, second its not their business and third, its not their fuckin business. Whether a girl is alone, or with her friend, her bf, or with a bunch of her families plus neighbors included,it doesnt really matter.

Prejudice is something that I dislike [hate is a strong word, it saps energy, so I rather not use it], its like you're toying with your mind on how and what people are supposed to be or do according to your standard or some 'common' standard--and its not fair. I have to be honest, I sometimes do that too. Like everytime I see a dark-skinned girl with blonde hair,thick make-up and too tiny clothes tugging along some bules, I immediately think of her as a cheap bimbos or one of those girls who are willing to spend the rest of their lives chasing after bules with dreams of having a better life by [hopefully] marrying ones. My bad.Meany me. Even if its true, hey, who am I to judge them? its their choice anyways. *knocks head*

Back to topic, eventho' I rarely spend time alone these days, I still find the comfort in doing so, occassionally. Even tho' its not all good, cos I resent the stares, the corny pick up lines or the sucky seat you got in theatre [like right in the middle of two 'busy' love birds or bunch of loud stinky teens guys with raging hormones]--it's still worth it. It feeds your ego, it gives you different kind of atmosphere, it's pretty relaxing and enjoyable just like driving alone in a light traffic or on a freeway.

Give it a try. ^- ^

A Girl With A Broken Smile

2004-08-09T19:01:00.000+07:00

Last weekend I was alone since my bf went to his friend's wedding party out-of-town. [I'll blog something about my weekend later]

I didn't want to go cos -I dont know- lately since my dad recent stroke [and now we're still struggling to get him back in shape--of course with a help of the physiotherapy guys] I am not really in the mood to attend any kind of party or functions that somewhat 'oblige' me to smile or at least looks friendly, cheery and content. I don't feel that way. So I think it's good for me to stay out of the crowd instead of being some fuckin party pooper.

Actually, when I really think about it, it's not only started a month ago when my dad got stroke, but long before that, I hardly had a big, loud,satisfying laugh. Hmm, when was the last time I had one? *thinks hard* I know I somewhat changed.

I think Ive been thinking too much, stressed myself out a lot--and unfortunately, I got into a lot of hullaballoos in my life. Everything I planned was fallen apart, I got into mixed emotions that nearly killed me, I was deliberately letting myself gotten away from the 'certain-straight-line' to a 'roller-coaster-ride-of-the-uncertainty'.

But the funny thing is that, my significant other already noticed my incapability to smile. He said when he first saw me, he noticed that there must be somethin' wrong cos -quoting his term- 'this girl has lack of smile'--and that was like what? years ago when I was in college.

When I come to analyze my own situation, it's like I always got entangled with some kind of problems or heavy thoughts that burdened me too much which cause this, well, 'jaded look' . It doesnt mean I can't smile, hey, I'm working in communications industry, I gotta be able to do that! ;)

But you know, I don't have that kind of 'happy smile'--if I had, well that happens very rare. [so if you happened to see me wearing that kinda smile, well, u're lucky.hehe]

Am I happy? I don't know
Am I not happy? I don' know either

Would it be possible that I've been sad too often and too long I'm beginning to think this is how it's supposed to be?. It's like -quoting Cobain- there's a comfort in being sad. It's not all bad actually, since the only time I'm able to write a poem is when I feel depressed.tee hee.

Oh and btw, on Sunday I was reading a paper, when this song appeared on MTV. I was stunned since it just taken me to this phase of my life that seemed so surreal--and it's just surprised me to realize that I somewhat missed it. It's just, it's reminded me so much of something. the what ifs.the might have beens. the makulit.

anyways, here's the lyric of that song.

She Will Be Loved
Maroon 5

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehowI want more

Chorus
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open You can come anytime you want

Chorus

I know where you hide Alone in your car Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls in the pouring rain

Chorus

Try so hard to say goodbye

HOT DAYEMMMMM!!!

2004-08-09T18:28:00.000+07:00

Fuucccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

So I was gonna blog and wrote something worth-reading, when impulsively I thought of changing a template--then I did it, then in a next few secs I realized I made a mistake cos my tagboard and buddies list were all gone after I fuckin changed the template! shiiiet.

Man, I was really in a good mood to write, and now I lost it. Anyways, let see if I can finally able to update this blog! *shrugs*

Terror

2004-07-26T18:09:00.000+07:00

Actually, I didnt even want to start talking about terror. Or terrorism. First, cos I had enough of it since last week (look, i got out from client's office at 6.30 AM on saturday--not even had any chance to sleep.yes, been up all nite till the break of dawn.gimme a friggin break.) but, then i realize the news coverage about the verdict has been all over the world. and now i am being kinda proud of being part of the 'terror'. playin' a tiny role in providing, disseminating and clarifying information regarding the verdict that has been controversial by far.
Hell, I even got misquoted by AFP (which is actually NOT a good part, cos first I cant believe he quoted me without asking MY permission--hello? ethic? journalism code of conduct?, second he got me all wrong and didnt even bother to re-check with me. and i thought those pribumis who work in foreign media/newswires were smarter.)

I got into a little argument with my bf regarding the panel of judges' decision. So the 'hottest' verdict had dissenting opinions. Apparently he sided with those who had dissenting opinions, I sided with the majority. But in the end, he made me see that actually there's no right or wrong in the court of law. The verdict was decided by vote. Each judges had their own opinions, legal considerations, arguments and facts.Both are good. Now the thing is, in the court of law, it is important for you to be able to provide a compelling argument. Undebatable. How to convince other people that yours is the right one. So when there's time to take a vote, the persuasive and convincing judges would win.

Anyways, talking about law is beginning to interest me a lot more than I could've ever imagined. I realize the importance of it, and how exciting it is: understanding the philosophy, learning from previous trials/verdicts, analyzing the opinions of the best legal experts/guru in the world, learning all aspects in life that boils down to our views in seeing things. In deciding for the better. In seeking for the truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. (hehehe).

Back to topic, Bali bombing was a horrible, horrible incident that happened in this country. I agree that this event should be considered as crime agaisnt humanity although the casualties were not as many as those who slaughtered in Nazi camp (this takes us back to Nuremberg court, where they had to decide a retro active law to bring the criminals to trial).

I know it'd be kinda mean to decide by quantity whether this is "an extraordinary crime" which will make the use of a retro active law is tolerable or "an ordinary crime" so well, sorry, no retro active law please. yours is just ordinary. I know, its sad, sad.
Whether its just 1, 2, 200 or 50,000-- losing somebody that you love in such tragic incident like bombing, its just too...unbearable.

The fact that it is a terror, where the culprit just aim their shots to just about everybody randomly, its just too frightening.

You never did anything to them, you dont even know them but the fact that you're a muslim/christian/white /asian/arabic/black/HUMAN--its just about enough reason to make them took your life away, just like that.

So how bout people at war? the Bosnians, the Iraqis, the Aceh peeps, the Ambonese, those young american soldiers at the Iraq's war? is it because they're at war, their souls are less precious than those who killed in 9/11 tragedy? in Bali?--is it because New York City and Bali are so happening, so lively, so liberated--there shouldnt be such tragedy?. But in Bosnia, in Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Vietnam, in Aceh..hey, it happens all the time there, no such thing--its their fate to die, so dont have to make a big deal out of it. Sad, innit? the unfairness of justice. of the mass media. of the people who have the power.

Well, no, Im not blaming anyone. It's just got me thinking. I agree with the majority of the panel not because of the said reasons, no, but because I dont trust the government. I dont think itd be wise to use a retro active law in a country like this. Hell, the "authority" can make up any kinda excuse to hang somebody they dont like (with this law). So I think its best to stick with the constitution. However, its not like the anti-terror law doesnt exist nomore, it still does, the one thing that they abolished was the one specifically said about Bali.

Anyways, with this post, I now feel like I have to bow my head to all of those peeps: casualties of wars and terrors all over the world. My prayers be with you. Hope you rest in peace.

Note. I'm not one of those muslim radicals, so dont sneer at me.

The zombie

2004-07-24T04:45:00.000+07:00

so this is just the try out of the blogspot--cos i recently moved from blogdrive. well, i just had the chance to post 2 entries anyways there. im now still at the office. actually, client's office which i have to consider as my office for the next several months since ill be stationed here till hmm October [hopefully sooner, but seems like they like me and my colleagues so there's actually a conversation that stated that they probly would extend our *misery* a bit longer].

Oh btw, its 4.45 AM. yes, its 4.45 AM and im still at work. im the freakin certified slave. anyways, today was a total mentally draining day. let see. we got LA Times, Times, Asian Wall Street Journal, Associated Press (fuckin Mr MC--i got a story a bout this later), Reuters, BBC, ABC, CNN, AFP, Asahi Shimbun, The Australian, Sydney Morning Herald, International Herald Tribune and what else do we got? well, aside from the usual major national papers--we got the barrage of foreign journos who have been nothing but rather annoying. i mean, some of them were okay, but others--man, their stuck up noses should really be punched flat. like this old australian lady who had this problem with seating arrangement (FU lazy bum). and oyeah this (also) lazy man from AP who had been calling me up (why didnt you just attend the goddamn hearing yourself?)--pushing me to provide him with undisclosed info. well, it would eventually become public, but at that time when he called me up i wasnt sure if i could release the info. and i was busy with other things for-crying-out-loud, and he kept on bugging me, and in the end--rather harsh (or maybe i was just a bit sensitive cos i felt a bit intimidated by the way he speaks?). heh, i wont mention his name here--who knows that old dog is browsing the internet and bump into my blog.

anyway, im feeling like a zombie. a walking zombie. eventhough im sitting right now. does that make me a sitting zombie? see? im becoming lamer and lamer--i need to be focus, but the caffeine has worn off, i need to crash. OK, i hope this could go through.

morning everyone.

I still havent found what I'm looking for

2004-07-19T05:06:00.000+07:00

Saturday, July 17, 2004
Oh yes,thats a U2 song. and i dont know why the hell i put that one up for the title of this entry. maybe cos im still pissed off of the fact that my site hasnt done yet. couldnt find the fuckin host for my site, and as i was planning to put an effort to it with the help of my junior colleague the whole next week,my boss rang me up yesterday and said "i need you to station in prudential starting monday to friday,ya! cos were in the verge of loosing that client cos hell loadsa works to do, while we dont really have nobody to cover."but why me?why ME? ive aleady stationed in the constitutional court for crying out loud--and next week will be a very quiet week since the hullaballoo of the hearings will happen after July 26 so im planning to use "the quiet" week to finish the SITE. shit, why should she drags me to another clients office which i didnt involve in a first place! [bosses just dont want us the "slave" to stay happy doing nothing *sighs*]anyways, i managed to sort of *haggle* with her that i can only be half day in prudential(oh why oh why, you got sued again?) from monday to wednesday,cos on wednesday we got a hearing with the house of representative peeps. so, ok, i can use my halfday at constitutional court *i think* to "abuse" the junior pal for creating my site.hehehe.[dont worry you'll get nicee free lunch in return..and more if its fantastic.by that means:up to my standart.ehe]anyways, me dont feel like writing a lot cos im still fuckin pissed off of the fact that my plan has fallen apart. i just hope i can still manage to steal the company's hour next week for building the goddamn site. [oh look how professional i can be].oh and btw, my bucink was having his "big 3"birthday on July 16th. i know i should have put up something more in here, but since id already been congratulating him thousands times, and considering the site is still underfuckingconstruction, i will put up something for it next time.for now, selamat ulang tahun, cinkcink

The Beginning Is Suicidal

2004-07-16T19:10:00.000+07:00

As I'm typing this, my oh-you-better-make-it-right friend is busy doing the encode, decode, whatever that is for the interface of my website/weblog. I'm worried as hell, cos i'd been getting distractions from my other friend (claiming to be a 'webguru') who thinks we're going off track ["you better find a host first, then just embed the blog in one of the sections!huh?you're gonna do whaat?how are you gonna do that? hahaha you girls are clueless"] so I decided to hang up the phone [of course after bitching at him 'stop the fuck up will ya? let us-i mean her-work in peace']. i do admit he gave pretty good insights for the site. so thank you.=pthe beginning is always suicidal. for me, at least. All of these first times.first day at school, first date, first performance (singing/dancing/acting), first office presentation, first speech, first client, and now first time actually working to make a website. suicidal, means you're actually already preparing something to whack your head off if it didnt work, if it finally works out fine--the torture that you had to experience to overcome the nervousness (is there sucha word?hehe) of the first-times made you feel like cutting your wrists off. ok, it sounds like an exaggeration, but hey, sometimes it does feel like that.hehe.a homepage.man, ive been wanting to have one since 3 years ago--but never had the time to learn about it [lazy old me] or even bother to bug some friends to help me creating one. i had blog long time ago, but i didnt know what happened, its just didnt show up.i know, im so not techy.probably i fucked up something, cos nobody could actually see my blog (there goes those fuckin entries *sighs*)--so i decided to just 'forget about it'.
so thats why, im foolishly nervous about this upcoming site. like will it pull thru or not? its actually just a simple thing that i have in mind (didnt know itd be sucha hassle to make it real) so here's the clue about the simple site: im thinking of having a frontpage where there's gonna be several sections there, 1st section will be all about me (being narcissistic as usual), then there's gonna be this journal section (this one that you read) and then another two would be section for reviewing stuffs and writings. the name of the sections will not be dull, promise. it will be in line with the name of the site=illuminati. so there are going to be 3 blogs for those 3 sections. i dont know how the hell is my friend going to come up with solution for that *worries*anyways, im still nervous about this, so lets just post this one, and see if i can finally have the kinda site that i want. *fingers crossed*